News from Friend Grief

I’m heading into a very busy few weeks – all good! 


If you’re in New York or Chicago, here’s what’s on the calendar:

May 29-31 - Book Expo America, Jacob Javits Center, NYC

I’ll be in the new Author Hub, showcasing a small group of self-published authors. If you’re attending BEA, including Saturday’s Book Con for the general public, please stop by and say hi!

My new book, Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends is featured in the New Title Showcase.

May 31 - uPublishU, Jacob Javits Center, NYC

The final day of Book Expo America includes a self-publishing conference, uPublishU. I’m excited to be the only author on the panel “Build Your Author Platform and Publish Successfully”.

June 1 - Bureau of General Services – Queer Division, 83A Hester St., NYC

I’ll be talking and signing the updated edition of my second book, Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends at 7:00pm at this great indie bookstore.

June 7 - Printers Row Lit Fest, Chicago, IL

From 10-2, I’ll be in the Chicago Writers Association tent signing all four of my books. When you purchase Friend Grief and AIDS, Friend Grief and 9/11 and/or Friend Grief and the Military you’ll get a free copy of Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives A Damn.

June 14 - Logan Square Public Library, Chicago, IL

I’ll be with a great group of local authors for the “Chicagoland Authors Promoting Success Expo” from 2-4:30. Stop by to hear a very diverse group of writers talk about their work.

Next week here on Friend Grief, you’ll meet some of the terrific people in my new book Friend Grief and The Military: Band of Friends. They’re doing great work to help our veterans.

Stay tuned!

November Death Café Schedule

UPDATE:

The November 20 Death Café location has moved to St. Gertrude's Church. Same time, same registration process.

New address is 6214 N. Glenwood (about 5 blocks west of Metropolis). Enter through the Ministry Center and look for signs directing you to the choir room.

"Sometimes I think it’s easier to talk about this topic with complete strangers, which I think can help open the door to talk about it with family and friends.”

That was a comment from a participant in one of the Death Café events I’ve co-facilitated in Chicago. I love it, because it’s so true for many people.

We’re all going to die someday – though hopefully not anytime soon. Most people have no problem talking about food or politics or sex, but death? No, thanks: too depressing.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t have issues. Sometimes we are struggling to bring up the topic with older parents. Sometimes we’ve been to one too many funerals in a short amount of time and start reflecting on our own lives and legacies. Sometimes we just have questions.

I remember my friend, Delle, saying that you learn what you really believe when faced with death. Do you believe in an afterlife? Are you ready for it?

Death Cafés are not grief support groups. There are many, great organizations and individuals who provide that service. A Death Café brings together a group of people to talk about death, and how to make the most of their finite lives.

And many who have come to our events have said the discussions – ranging from defining your legacy to what kind of funeral you want – have given them the courage to discuss these topics with family and friends. Talking about death doesn’t hasten your own death, but it can certainly ease your mind and focus you on your goals.

We have two Chicago Death Cafés coming up in November, both at Metropolis Coffee House, in Edgewater. They will be held on November 12 and November 20. Space is limited, so RSVP now to get your award-winning coffee or tea and decadent desserts.

Why do we call it an introduction? Because we hope that the conversations you have that night will be the beginning of a dialogue with your family and friends on how you want to make the most of your life.

So, join us this month for a conversation about death – and life. Don’t be surprised if there’s a lot of laughter.

 

For more on the international Death Café movement, click here.

Death Cafe and Other Events

I’ve been co-facilitating Death Café events in Chicago for almost a year now. Our events have attracted over 150 attendees. Some of those who attended are now facilitating their own Death Cafés, and I couldn’t be more excited.

For those not familiar with Death Café, I highly recommend their website. You’ll not only learn the history, but read fascinating accounts of what people are doing in Death Cafés in the UK, Canada, Italy, Australia and all around the US. No two are the same, but all have the same goal: to provide a safe, supportive environment for people to discuss issues surrounding death and dying, with a goal to making the most of their finite lives.

After our last event – which was filled up two weeks in advance – my partner and I sat down for a series of discussions. Obviously the need is there. The evaluations were glowing and some offered suggestions for improvement (which we’re implementing). But was there more we could offer? Were people looking for more specific kinds of discussions related to death and dying?

What we came up with was a series of events to meet different needs and interests:

Death Café: This is our introduction to death and dying issues, for people who have never attended a Death Café. We have group discussions, individual activities, as well as with a partner. As much as we can, we allow the attendees to drive the discussion topics, always with a goal of allowing people to consider their legacy. On October 28, we’ll be back at Curt’s Café in Evanston, Illinois.

"Friend Grief": This is a themed event for those who have attended a Death Café and asked for more! Our first one will be led by me at Drake & Sons Funeral Home in Chicago on October 23 and will address friend grief. Other topics are in the pipeline.

Field trips: Now at first glance, you might think our events would be limited to locations such as cemeteries or funeral homes, and that’s possible (though our first themed event will take place in a funeral home). But they’re meant to be gatherings that are more casual than sitting around a table in a room. Our first one, on October 14, is a kayaking excursion at Skokie Lagoons in Glencoe, Illinois.

Ultimately, our goal is to eliminate the resistance to attending a Death Café - or any event where the discussion is revolves around death and making the most of your life. Don’t want to set foot in a funeral home? Then come to a coffeehouse. Don’t want to discuss living wills? Then come to a Death Café where we’ll talk about lots of things.

So if you’re in the Chicago area, join us! If not, check the Death Café website for a list of upcoming events in your area. You can also find out how to host your own Death Café. It’s easy. It’s fascinating. It’s even fun.

And you’ll be surprised how much you learn about yourself in a very short time.

 

 

Scattering Ashes at Death Cafe'

Monday night we had another successful Death Café in Evanston, Illinois. Nearly 50 people joined us for coffee, tea, cookies and muffins while we talked about issues surrounding death and dying.

We broke up into four groups, each led by a facilitator, for an hour. The conversations were wide-ranging and passionate. My group included people of various religions and no religion; male and female; college-age through retirement. No one was required to share, but most had feelings they wanted to express. Honestly, we could’ve talked for hours.

At one point, in discussing our own final wishes, we focused on burial vs. cremation, and, in the latter case, how to dispose of the ashes. Fears of being caught spreading ashes in a place that’s restricted were assuaged by offers to help do the deed.

One woman expressed a concern that I believe was on the minds of many there: what happens if your family is all gone? How do you make your final wishes known when you’re the last of your family?

So I thought that was a good situation to share here today. Maybe you know someone – maybe elderly, maybe not – who has no close relatives. Maybe they are, like this woman, the last of their family. Maybe that describes you.

You may not have a will. You may not have designated someone your medical power of attorney. You may not want to think about it at all. That means “Five Wishes” is for you.

The Five Wishes are:

·         Who you want to make health care decisions for you when you can't make them.

·         The kind of medical treatment you want or don't want.

·         How comfortable you want to be.

·         How you want people to treat you.

·         What you want your loved ones to know.

Now is the time, while you’re healthy and able to make these decisions for yourself. No family? Ask your friends. Again, it’s an uncomfortable conversation for many people. But one that will avoid all kinds of complications down the line.

For more information on the Five Wishes document (which meets legal requirements in 42 states), check the Aging with Dignity website.

And have some fun, too. Your funeral will be your last chance to make your friends laugh.

What A Death Café is All About

Dan Bulf and I recently facilitated our second Death Café in the Chicago area, this time in the near north suburb of Evanston. It was a huge success, just in terms of numbers: more than double what we expected.

Our next one will be held August 19 in a larger space, at the Evanston Public Library. That one’s filling up very quickly, too. We will undoubtedly have to cut off registrations soon, especially because of the great press coverage we’ve received. REGISTRATION IS NOW CLOSED.

Here is a terrific article by Jessica Reynolds in this weekend’s Chicago Tribune. It gives you a real sense of what it’s like to be there: the conversation, the emotion, the camaraderie.

You can sign up for our mailing list, and be the first notified about future Death Café events in the Chicago area.

For more background on the Death Café movement around the world, just check out Jon Underwood’s site.

These are conversations that are often much-avoided and long overdue. What are you waiting for?

 

Fun at a Death Café? Sure!

On July 15, Dan Bulf and I held our second Chicago-area Death Café. We’d hoped for 20 people, but we were stunned when our lovely room at Curt’s Café in Evanston was filled to overflowing with 40. The poor air conditioning couldn’t keep up. Thank God for iced tea!

There were many there whose work involves confronting death: hospital chaplains, social workers, grief counselors, hospice volunteers. There were men and women of various ethnic groups and a wide age range: 20’s to a self-professed 87 years old. But that didn’t mean they had talked about their own, personal feelings about death.

We broke into four groups for wide-ranging conversations about our attitudes towards death and dying, particularly our own death. I was not surprised to hear quite a few identify the death of someone close to them as a catalyst. Sometimes that inspired them to devote their career to helping others have a good death. Sometimes it caused them to take a hard look at their own lives, including their legacy. There were those who talked about death and dying issues all day, but had a hard time when asked how they felt about their own.

That’s what a Death Café is all about: providing a safe, open, respectful environment for talking about death and dying. You’re with a group of (probable) strangers talking about a subject that’s often impossible to bring up with family and friends. It’s a time to share your feelings and learn that you are not alone in struggling with how to live a life that makes a difference. Because, let’s face it: part of having a good death is realizing that your life mattered.

The evaluations were terrific. When asked to give three words to describe their experience, the top responses were: interesting, comfortable, open, enlightening (yes, I know, that’s four – there was a tie). Typical comments included:

“It reinforced how important open discussions are.”

“I am more at ease talking about my own death.”

“Moving to hear others’ perspectives on death.”

And yes, there was laughter, especially when we talked about what makes up a fun funeral (a good topic for a future blog post). Many there – and since – have asked when we’re doing another one.

We are planning our next Death Café for Monday August 19, also in Evanston. Details will go up on the “Events” page here as soon as they’re finalized. If you already know you can’t attend or want to be on our email list for future Chicago-area Death Cafes, click here.

To those who joined us, thank you. You endured a steamy evening to discuss a difficult subject with courage and grace.

If you want to learn more about the Death Café movement, including how to hold one of your own, check out Jon Underwood’s Death Café website.

AIDS: Mad as Hell. Again.

(This is a little long, so bear with me)

I planned to walk in Chicago’s Gay Pride parade last Sunday. But by the time I got near the staging area to join my group, the pain in my hip was growing worse by the minute. I knew I couldn’t walk, and even riding in the truck would be more than uncomfortable; forget about standing for a couple hours. I bailed just before it started. But before I did, I got mad.

It wasn’t my first Pride parade. I rode on the Chicago House float in 1990, when I was on staff there and the AIDS epidemic was going full force. I’d attended the parade, lived on the route, got caught in the traffic surrounding it many times. It’s always a festive event, one that has grown larger and more mainstream over the years (though the media continue to focus on the most outrageous drag queens in their post-parade coverage).

Politicians – who once avoided the gay community like (pardon the pun) the plague – now marched gladly. Hell, some of them are openly gay. The police superintendent was there, along with a contingent of gay/lesbian officers. Elementary school students, businesses, and church groups marched alongside the requisite gay bars and marriage equality groups: 204 entries. A million spectators.

Progress, right?

Let’s just say it was a glass half full, in my mind.

I fully expected it to be more festive, coming just days after the Supreme Court decisions kicking back Prop 8 to California and repealing the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). I was surprised by the rulings and thrilled for my gay and lesbian friends and family members.

But…

In those 204 entries, AIDS was all but forgotten. There was a float for the AIDS bike ride fundraiser, and another for a training program to prepare for it. Both apparently (I didn’t stay long enough to see it) distributed free condoms. (That’s actually a great perk of attending a Gay Pride parade: you can stock up on free condoms.)

The third entry was from a coalition called CommUNITY. It’s made up of several AIDS-service-related organizations: AIDS Foundation of Chicago, AIDS Legal Council of Chicago, Test Positive Aware Network, Chicago House, Howard Brown Health Center and The Center on Halsted. Most of them were founded in the 1980s. They’ve been around a long time and do good work.

Their float consisted of a display of the names/logos of each group. There was no mention of the collective mission of CommUNITY (here is their blog article about Pride). There was no mention of AIDS or the critical work they do. The people on the float and those walking with them threw Mardi Gras beads to the crowd.

The next day, when I was marginally calmer, I sent a Facebook message to AFC to ask why they had missed a great opportunity for awareness. Their response, that I posed “really good questions”, included the following explanation for why their main float didn’t include condoms: “we celebrated the colors and spirit of pride by distributing Mardi Gras beads.”

Well, excuse me all to hell. The parade was festive in 1990, too, but that didn’t stop AIDS organizations from publicizing their mission and services.

According to a report released in December 2012 by the Chicago Department of Public Health, HIV infection among gay men in Chicago was up 20 percent between 2008 and 2011: 35% for African-American gay men.

Some people put the blame solely on the gay community for the rise in infections. Let’s be honest: there are some who take unnecessary risks. Everyone does stupid things, no matter their gender or sexual orientation; that’s human nature. We become complacent, lazy. We believe we are the exception to the rule: I believe it’s called ‘denial’. It’s not limited to gay men.

But I also think there’s more than enough blame to spread around. When the media ignore rising infection rates to focus on dubious “cures”; when the medical establishment promotes the fallacy that living with HIV/AIDS is no big deal because it’s now just a ‘chronic’ disease; when funding is cut on the local, state and national levels; when AIDS service organizations ignore an opportunity to spread the word, that’s worse than complacency: that’s a sin. Maybe a crime.

I suppose there’s an argument to be made that a Pride parade is not the appropriate place to focus on condoms or PEP or PreP or anything depressing like rising HIV infections. Would Pride Fest have been better? Maybe, but AIDS was pretty invisible there, too except for the Trojan™ booth. And even though condoms are not the be-all, end-all of HIV prevention, it seems a waste to not take advantage of your target market, especially on an issue as serious as this.

Like many who were in the trenches at the beginning of the epidemic, I backed off in the 90’s. I was burned out. I kept up with the news about treatments and funding, but I kept my distance. I had other priorities, important ones. And I wanted to forget how many friends I lost. There was no good news in those days, only bad and worse. I assumed if I lost touch with someone it was because he was dead. That was true way too often.

Writing this blog and my books brought it all back. But what I’ve seen, particularly in the past year, has brought back something else: anger, fueled by a renewed and all too familiar sense of urgency.

Some say I should stay out of this discussion completely, that’s it not about me or people like me (straight). They said the same thing thirty years ago, too. Last time I checked, HIV was still an equal-opportunity virus, even though it hits gay men disproportionately in the US. You don’t have to be infected to be affected.

It has even been suggested that people like me are nostalgic for the “good old days”. Trust me, there was not much good about it. I wouldn’t wish that time on anyone. That’s why I find myself angry again: because the complacency I see now is reminiscent of those early days.

My friends at ACT UP NY are experiencing a second wave of activism, and frankly, I find it very contagious. I just hope it’s more contagious than HIV.

Evanston's First Death Cafe

Last fall, I co-hosted the first Death Café in Chicago.             

Death…what???

A Death Café is an informal, non-therapeutic opportunity for people to come together and discuss topics surrounding death and grief. The objective of this movement is "To increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives".

Begun in Switzerland, it spread to the UK and the US. Since 2011, over 1,000 people of all ages have attended a Death Café.

Our next Death Café will be held Monday, July 15 at Curt’s Café in Evanston, Illinois. It’s open to anyone with questions about death and grief, because no one has all the answers.

A Death Café offers you the opportunity to explore topics like:

•What do you consider a “good” death?

•What’s on your “before I die” list?

•How do you open a discussion about final wishes with your family?

•Whose death affected you the most and why?

•How do you convince others to respect your grief?

•Does faith help or complicate your attitude towards death?

•What would you like your legacy to be?

•Can you plan a fun funeral?

 

As you can see, there’s a lot to talk about – and these are only stepping stones to conversation. It’s not group therapy, but if you feel you would benefit from that, we can point you in the right direction. No one’s there to judge you or criticize you. We’re all in the same boat: just looking for answers.

It’s a relaxed, informal evening for you to enjoy tea, coffee and yummy desserts with a group of people who have questions they’d like to explore.

So, join us on July 15. Maybe we can find some answers to your questions. Chocolate helps.

 

 

Click here for more information about the Death Café movement.

Click here to register for Evanston’s first Death Café.

 

Watching Your Best Friend Die

npr.org

I wasn’t going to write about Hadiya Pendleton.

I live in Chicago and frankly, there are too damn many Hadiya Pendletons: young people murdered for no other reason than being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Sunday’s Chicago Tribune carried a front page article about Hadiya’s closest girlfriends. They’re typical kids, teenagers, whose lives will never be the same: both for their close friendships with Hadiya and the horrible death they witnessed.

The shots detonate like firecrackers – boom boom boom boom boom – and the friends, a dozen of them altogether, run.

The girl named Danetria does not run well. She is out of breath, struggling to keep up, when, ahead of her, she sees one of her friends fall, and she thinks about how slowly her friend collapsed, and how gracefully, and how strange this all is, like a dream.

The girl named Kyra is still running. From behind her she hears someone shout "Hadiya’s been shot!”

The causes of the violence plaguing Chicago are many and complex: easy availability of guns from Indiana, poverty, high unemployment, drugs, gangs, lack of parental support, under-performing schools, blah, blah, blah. They’re all connected. But Hadiya’s murder is proof that even when parents do everything right, they can’t protect their children from the world around them.

In the Tribune’s examination of the effects of Hadiya’s death on her friends, one paragraph stood out for me. It was the initial police statement, made a few hours after the shooting:

“Preliminary information indicates that most of the members of the group were gang members. None of the group stuck around and rendered aid or waited for the police. By all indications the female victim was an unintended target.”

Only the last sentence was true.

The police officer making the statement didn’t know that Klyn squeezed Hadiya’s hand or Danetria held her head in her lap until the police and ambulance arrived; didn’t know that Kyra had run to borrow a cellphone to call 911. Now we know, but the damage is done.

No one – at 15 – should watch their best friend die.

No one – at 15 – should feel guilty for not being able to save their friend’s life.

No one – at 15 – should struggle just to get through the day, consumed with “what if’s”.

No one – at 15 – should have nightmares about seeing their best friend lying in a casket.

No one – at 15 – should avoid going to the park, because that’s where their best friend was murdered.

No one – at 15 – should wish they’d had the chance to say “I’m sorry.”

But they do.

Today is – by my calculations – the 14^th Tuesday since Hadiya was gunned down. The perpetrators are in jail. Her friends are trying to move on, knowing only one thing for sure: their lives will be forever changed because of Hadiya. Life goes on, whether you want it to or not.

I encourage you to read the story below. Whatever your beliefs are on violence, guns, gangs or teenagers, I guarantee this will give you something to think about.

As it should.

 

Hadiya's Friends

Death Café – There’s a First Time for Everything

Last Tuesday evening, I co-hosted the first Death Café in Chicago. A phenomenon that began in Switzerland and spread to London, a Death Café provides a safe, non-judgmental and non-therapeutic setting for people to come together and talk about death and grief.

Our group was all men (except me, lurking on the edge). Although the seven men did talk about friends – and even animals – there happened to be an unusual situation: one man’s mother was actively dying. As befitting a supportive atmosphere, most of the conversations had to do with family dynamics and relationships.

The feelings associated with grief are common, no matter the relationship to the person who died: sadness, guilt, anger, regret, gratitude. All of them were on display Tuesday as these men came together for two hours.

The one emotion that may have surprised them all was relief. As I’ve written before, men are frequently locked into a cultural stereotype after the death of a friend or family member. They’re expected to be the ‘strong, silent type’. They’re looked to by others as leaders, in control of their emotions.

More than one tear was shed, and more than one man was surprised by how much he felt comfortable sharing, even with strangers.

As it turned out, the timing was a blessing: the one man’s mother died very early Thursday morning.

We all – co-hosts and participants – learned a lot. Plans are already being made for a second Death Café, this one for men and women. It’ll be interesting to see if and how that changes the dynamic.

One thing’s for sure: this is a conversation that will continue.

Chicago’s First Death Café

Sounds weird, doesn’t it?

Death Café

 

I guess the first question is, ‘what and where is it?’

Well in this case, it’s in Chicago next week.

A Death Café is an informal, non-therapeutic gathering of people who want to discuss their experiences grieving. Death, as we know, is a subject that can put a damper on most conversations. But here, it is the conversation.

Therapy is great, whether individual or group. But that’s not what this is. Many people just need a chance to talk about what they’re going through: without judgment or diagnosis. And as it turns out, a lot of those people are men.

Like it or not, men are still expected to be the “strong” ones when someone close to them dies. They’re expected to take care of others, get things done, hold it all in. But what I’ve found in my interviews is that men are not just willing but eager to talk about losing their friends.

So on Tuesday, October 9, the first Death Café in Chicago will be held for men grieving their friends. We hope this is the first of many (and not just for men), so that others have the opportunity to finally talk about a loss that is sometimes difficult to explain.

When people hear it’s called “Death Café”, there’s also a second question: ‘what’s on the menu?’ Well, besides conversation, we’ll have coffee, tea, and goodies.

Space is limited, so go to Events for more information. We look forward to seeing you on Tuesday.

 

 

 

To learn more about hosting a Death Café in your community, click here.

 

 

“Forming Community” – AIDS@30

The current issue of Chicago’s gay weekly, Windy City Times, includes a guest column I wrote, “Forming Community”.

As part of their 9-month “AIDS@30” series, I reflected on my time as a fundraiser in the AIDS community, and what it was like to be a straight woman in a mostly gay environment.

You’ll want to bookmark this website, http://www.windycitymediagroup.com/aids.php to read the entire series. If you are of a certain age, you’ll remember a lot. If not, well, you might learn a valuable history lesson or two.