News about Friend Grief and AIDS

It’s that time of year again! 

I’m pleased to announce the 2015 update of Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends.

Each year about this time I update the resources and statistics in my book. That's one of the advantages of publishing today - nothing ever has to be out-of-date.

You can find the updated ebook on Kindle, Nook and Kobo. The updated paperback will be available in about a week.

If you have a previous version, just go to the AIDS UPDATE page here for new information on the epidemic.

And as always, 25% of the retail price is donated to one of my favorite organizations in the fight against the epidemic: Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.

Coming Soon to Friend Grief

Have you been busy? I sure have. And that means there’s a lot coming soon here on Friend Grief in the next few weeks:

• The re-release of Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends with updated statistics and resources for 2015. As always, 25% of the retail price of ebook and paperback versions will benefit Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.
• The release of the fifth book in the series, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle (cover reveal next week).
• Another great guest post for your enjoyment.
• The debut of my new, full website, VictoriaNoe.com. (Don’t get excited – it’s not live yet) The new website will include this blog, along with lots of added content:
  • Discussion questions for each book
  • A list of resources specific to each book
  • Links to my freelance articles
  • And more!
• And one last thing…the first issue of my monthly email newsletter. Some of you receive these blog posts via email. This is different, and you’ll have a chance to sign up for it soon. We’re still designing, but I can tell you it’ll include links to the previous month’s blog posts, along with news about my books and appearances. Don’t be surprised if there are contests, too.

So, yes, a busy time! I hope you’ll stick around for a wild few weeks, because I promise you, it’ll be worth it!

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Friend Grief's Top Five List for 2014

The year is almost over and I thought it would be a good time to look back on the posts that generated the most interest this year.

The funny thing about writing is that you don’t always know what resonates with people. Sometimes you write something that you believe is so brilliant it will change the lives of everyone who reads it – and obviously, everyone in the world will read it. That usually doesn’t happen. Sometimes you write something that’s definitely not your best effort, but there’s something about it that hits a nerve.

This list certainly surprised me:

#5 Update on Friend Grief and AIDS The second book in my series has been the most popular by far. It’s also the one that I’ve committed to updating every January (so expect a 2014 edition in the next few weeks) to include current facts and new resources. It’s a subject I’ve been close to for over 30 years now. I donate 25% of the retail price (not profit) of every paperback and ebook to Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.

#4 How Celebrities Grieve Their Friends 2014 seemed to be an exceptionally bad year for celebrity deaths. For some reason, we expect those in the public eye to grieve differently than we would. They don’t. It’s just that their grief is on display for the world to critique.

#3 The End of the Friend Grief Series? The title certainly got a lot of attention. I’m not at the end of the series, but getting close. The fifth of sixth books comes out in late January. But there’s more to come, and the series has taken a turn that surprised me.

#2 Anger, Condemnation and Philip Seymour Hoffman  Ah, celebrities again. The death of this talented actor brought out not just grief but anger and swift condemnation as well. The reactions were shocking to a lot of people – friends and strangers alike.

#1 Friend Grief: Guilt vs. Regret. This was definitely a surprise. I try very hard to avoid regrets. And 2014 has shown me the power of doing that. I grieve for two friends who died this year – Pierre and Dan – but I don’t have a lot of regrets. That has eliminated the guilt I would’ve felt if I hadn’t taken a chance of looking stupid. I highly recommend a carpe diem approach to life.

So that’s my list. I suspect the 2015 list will surprise me as well. Maybe one of your favorites is here, maybe not.

As always, stay tuned. There are big, big changes (all good) coming soon that I think you’ll find helpful.

One thing won’t change, sadly: we will grieve our friends. And hopefully, we’ll remember them with love and joy, as we’d want them to remember us.

The End of the Friend Grief Series?

Don’t get excited. It’s not happening tomorrow.

When I made the decision to serialize what was originally one book I knew it would eventually end. I believed there would be six books in the series. That’s still my assumption. What’s changed is the subject of the sixth one.

By now you know that I’ve published four books

            Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives A Damn

            Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends

            Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners

            Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends

The fifth book, Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle, comes out in January (details will be announced in mid-December).

I thought the sixth book would be a wrap-up. It would be just about people who made major life changes after their friend(s) died. But those stories can be found in the first five books. They’re not just stories about someone dying and how their friend coped. They’re about those friends and how they lived their lives afterwards. That sixth book, in effect, is spread among the first five. But instead of ending the series after five books, I realized I already had the beginnings of a sixth book.

In 2012, before I decided to serialize my original book idea, I wrote a guest post for The Good Men Project. It was my mea culpa for assuming that it would be near impossible to get men to talk about grieving their friends. As I said in the article, I’ve never been so wrong. I promised then to write a book on this very topic. And so I shall.

Before you ask why I have not considered writing a book just about women grieving their friends, read the post. Women are much more likely to share their grief – in fact, they’re expected to. Men? Not so much.

After sleeping on the idea for a few nights, I decided today that the sixth book in the series will indeed be about men grieving their friends. I don’t have a title yet; that usually comes while I’m working on the book. But I have some damn powerful interviews to share.

Who knows? There may be a seventh book or even an eighth. I’ve had intriguing suggestions for future titles, so we’ll see.

There you have it, then: the change of subject for the sixth book is my big news for now. Next week, you’ll hear about the anthology I’m proud to be part of, as well as more announcements about book signings.

As always, stay tuned!

Friend Grief in New York - Part 1

This is the first of two posts this week recapping my experiences in New York City last week. I was primarily there to be part of the Author Hub at Book Expo America (more about that on Friday). But today I want to tell about my first NYC book signing.

Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends grew out of my experience in Chicago’s AIDS community in the late 80s/early 90s. I was a fundraiser, often the only straight person in the room. And though many people asked me why I involved in “that”, I felt a responsibility to do what I could.

An unexpected but remarkable result of writing this book has been meeting men in ACT UP (AIDS Coalition To Unleash Power), some of whom were heroes of mine back in the Bad Old Days. I’ve also met many remarkable men and women who are new(er) to the movement. Their knowledge and passion are humbling.

Sunday night I did a reading at Bureau of General Services – Queer Division, a gay and lesbian bookstore on the lower east side of Manhattan. I put out the word, but you know, it’s impossible to predict who will show up.

At Book Expo, we heard a lot about building a street team: readers who are invested in your success and want to help spread the word about your work. I had that kind of group at BGSQD. Ten men – most around my age – engaged in a deeply emotional, and occasionally funny, discussion.

The premise of my book is that friends made all the difference in the AIDS epidemic (they still do). Friends became the family of choice for those who were abandoned by their ‘real’ families.

The men who joined me were living examples of that premise. They were men who had visited dozens of dying friends in the hospital, papered their refrigerators with photos of hundreds of friends who died, got arrested for demonstrating on behalf of those who were discarded by society.

There were tears and smiles as we discussed the long-term, long-repressed grief that is only recently being spoken of in the community. Why? Why now? I don’t think we came up with a definitive answer. Maybe it’s because many of us are at the age where we begin to take stock of our lives, reflect on what we’ve done and how we got here. Maybe it’s because the increase in new infections has triggered flashbacks of demonstrations and memorial services.

Like military veterans, those of us who were around in the 80s and 90s spoke of it only to each other, and even then, not much. Those on the outside weren’t particularly interested. Just like the VFW and Dryhootch function as safe locations for vets to discuss their experiences, BGSQD served a similar function for those who joined in an almost three hour conversation on Sunday night.

I don’t expect every reading to be so memorable. But I’m grateful to BGSQD and everyone who was there. It was the perfect example of what speakers at Book Expo encourage us to do: build a loyal base of readers who identify with you and want to help you succeed.

Awards are nice, but I’d rather build Friend Grief on events like this one. And I hope you all will come along for the ride.

On Friday: how Friend Grief got noticed at Book Expo

News from Friend Grief

I’m heading into a very busy few weeks – all good! 


If you’re in New York or Chicago, here’s what’s on the calendar:

May 29-31 - Book Expo America, Jacob Javits Center, NYC

I’ll be in the new Author Hub, showcasing a small group of self-published authors. If you’re attending BEA, including Saturday’s Book Con for the general public, please stop by and say hi!

My new book, Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends is featured in the New Title Showcase.

May 31 - uPublishU, Jacob Javits Center, NYC

The final day of Book Expo America includes a self-publishing conference, uPublishU. I’m excited to be the only author on the panel “Build Your Author Platform and Publish Successfully”.

June 1 - Bureau of General Services – Queer Division, 83A Hester St., NYC

I’ll be talking and signing the updated edition of my second book, Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends at 7:00pm at this great indie bookstore.

June 7 - Printers Row Lit Fest, Chicago, IL

From 10-2, I’ll be in the Chicago Writers Association tent signing all four of my books. When you purchase Friend Grief and AIDS, Friend Grief and 9/11 and/or Friend Grief and the Military you’ll get a free copy of Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives A Damn.

June 14 - Logan Square Public Library, Chicago, IL

I’ll be with a great group of local authors for the “Chicagoland Authors Promoting Success Expo” from 2-4:30. Stop by to hear a very diverse group of writers talk about their work.

Next week here on Friend Grief, you’ll meet some of the terrific people in my new book Friend Grief and The Military: Band of Friends. They’re doing great work to help our veterans.

Stay tuned!

Update on Friend Grief and AIDS

One of the benefits of self-publishing is the ability to revise your books at your discretion.

The second book in my series, Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends, has been well-received. It recently earned a 5-star review on Readers Favorites and continues to generate impassioned – and positive – reviews on other sites.

When I wrote it a year ago, the statistics and resources in the back of the book were current. Time for an update.

Around March 1, I will re-release Friend Grief and AIDS with:

• Updated statistics on HIV and AIDS around the world
• Additional books and films for those who are interested
• More links to organizations devoted to education, prevention, treatment and advocacy

If you have already purchased a copy, or plan to purchase one before then, thank you! I will post that updated information as a free pdf on the Resources page here in early March. That way those of you with the original book can see what’s new.

An added note: that new version is a reward for a Kickstarter campaign happening right now. The Last One is a documentary about the AIDS Quilt:

Stigma isn’t silent. Whether it’s spoken at the pulpit or spoken under one’s breath, in political rhetoric or private conversation, it is loud. It is insidious. It is lethal.

In The Last One: The Story of the AIDS Memorial Quilt, we follow the AIDS Memorial Quilt from inception to the present day to uncover how stigma has fueled the growth of the greatest pandemic in human history.

So, that’s what’s going on right now with Friend Grief and AIDS. If you haven’t read it yet, I hope you will – either now or when the updated version is released. Whether you remember the dark, early days of the epidemic or not, I think you’ll find the stories in the book both disturbing and inspiring.