tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25252292162999739282024-03-08T15:15:09.369-06:00FriendGriefFriendGrief is a place for you to share your experience grieving the death of a friend. Many people not only suffer a great loss, but also suffer because those around them don't understand or respect their grief.Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.comBlogger355125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-77430589506525027142015-04-28T13:50:00.000-05:002015-04-28T13:50:55.249-05:00Moving Day for Friend Grief<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/15/0b/dd/150bdd1ab00d690782cb513bedc0e0ce.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="118" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/15/0b/dd/150bdd1ab00d690782cb513bedc0e0ce.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
I hate to move to a new place. So much cleaning and packing and unpacking and organizing...it's exhausting. It's almost always an improvement, but still...<br />
<br />
Today is moving day for the Friend Grief blog. I've been here on Blogger since my first post in February, 2011. It's grown by leaps and bounds, expanded, become a trusted resource and won awards. I hope all that continues, but it will not continue on Blogger.<br />
<br />
This is the last post here before moving the blog over to my new <a href="http://http//www.victorianoe.com">website</a>. It's a big jump, because now it's not just a blog, it's a full-service website. You'll find book links, reviews, resources and discussion questions. There's a page with links to my interviews and freelance articles, as well as upcoming events and speaking opportunities.<br />
<br />
But no matter how fancy the packaging, this blog will continue. You'll still find articles of interest to those who grieve the death of a friend, guest posts and book/movie reviews. It will, I hope, continue to be a safe place for those experiencing a grief that often earns little respect.<br />
<br />
So just hop on over to the<a href="http://www.victorianoe.com/blog/"> new blog page</a> on <a href="http://www.victorianoe.com/">Victoria Noe</a>. The first new post there will be next Tuesday, May 5, with an exciting announcement you won't want to miss.<br />
<br />
To those of you who have found me and followed me here, my thanks. I hope you'll follow me over to the new site and continue to inspire me to keep writing.Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-11386049748247525632015-04-15T08:04:00.000-05:002015-04-15T08:04:11.123-05:00Lots of Friend Grief News<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6ajX8pHIAVzGwVHVqo0K2gvNtAC7-VvjU3AQZ2PhWHsZSIxtPKk5OyV5OymuUGo2yEahgBdWXIEDtuh4q_ry9b9_oBEa0v_lLKrvi9jLK1DzjW9cOTHo_QvWvZ2-6dI3tYUPfhH9mPYj4/s1600/untitled.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6ajX8pHIAVzGwVHVqo0K2gvNtAC7-VvjU3AQZ2PhWHsZSIxtPKk5OyV5OymuUGo2yEahgBdWXIEDtuh4q_ry9b9_oBEa0v_lLKrvi9jLK1DzjW9cOTHo_QvWvZ2-6dI3tYUPfhH9mPYj4/s1600/untitled.bmp" height="83" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It's spring. After a long, tough winter that tried everyone's patience, it's spring. The snow has melted, the brown grass is turning green. Depending on where you live, flowers have forced their way above ground. Some of you have spring fever, or maybe just hay fever. I feel like I have my own little spring going on right now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Today is a day that’s been a long time coming. The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend Grief</i> blog is four years old, and
it’s been in need of upgrading for quite some time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So as of today, I (also) have a new website:
<a href="http://victorianoe.com/">VictoriaNoe.com</a>.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This is a big step in a lot of ways. First of all,
it’s my name, not the subject of my books. It was important to take this step
because my writing has already begun to expand into other areas. That doesn’t
mean it was easy. Putting my name out front – rather than the books – has
intimidated me for a long time. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This fall will see the publication of the sixth and
final book in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend Grief</i>
series: <em>Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes.</em> Next year they will be bundled into one book and released on audio. And
then…well, that announcement is coming soon, too.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I wanted to expand what I offer online to my
readers. So the new website includes a lot of new content:</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Reviews
and book group discussion questions for each book</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Resource
links specific to each book</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A
complete list of my freelance articles and interviews</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sales links to the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend Grief </i>books as well as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My Gutsy Story™ Anthology 2</i>, which
includes a story of my own ("I'm Not Gutsy, But You Are")</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m not one of those authors who’s intimidated by
speaking in public. So you’ll find a page devoted to public speaking, with presentations
I can bring to your event or class.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">On April 29, I’ll send out my first weekly email
newsletter. I don’t want to fill up your in-box unnecessarily, so each one will be
short, sweet and timely. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The first 100
people who sign up for it will receive a free pdf of the first chapter of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an
Empty Cubicle,</i> coming out in May.</b></span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I have the talented and patient folks at 1106 Design
to thank for their hard work on my new website. I hope you’ll check it out and
find a lot to like.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And have no fear: the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend Grief</i> blog will continue, with posts of my own, guests, book
and film reviews and more. So feel free to keep checking us out right here.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My thanks to you all who have followed me this far.
I’m not done yet.</span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-88690986573838928222015-04-08T17:49:00.000-05:002015-04-08T17:49:08.328-05:00Grieving For and With Your Friends.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/32/Steel_magnolias_poster.jpg/220px-Steel_magnolias_poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/32/Steel_magnolias_poster.jpg/220px-Steel_magnolias_poster.jpg" height="200" width="126" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s considered a classic now, <i>Steel Magnolias</i>. The play by Robert Haring made a wildly successful
transfer to the screen with an all-star cast: Julia Roberts, Sally Field,
Olympia Dukakis, Shirley MacLaine, Daryl Hannah.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">On the surface, it’s a story of the love between a
mother and daughter. But as you watch the film, you can’t help but be struck by
the emphasis on friendship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The women in this film are friends, long-time
friends who celebrate and tolerate each other’s imperfections. They aren’t shy
about expressing their support or criticism, but it’s always, always, done with
love. Maybe you have friends like them. I know I do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So when Julia Roberts’ character dies, the older
women rally around their friend, Sally Field. I’ve included the clip from the
cemetery, a scene you’ll no doubt remember because of your inability to watch
it without crying yourself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Her grief and rage are familiar to those of us who
have lost someone we love, whether friend or family. But what I’m always struck
by are her friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">They watch her standing alone near her daughter’s
grave, and approach her. They try, mostly unsuccessfully, to make her feel
better, to lessen her loss. But they know they can’t. You can see it on their
faces. They can’t make the grief go away. They can’t justify her loss. They
can’t change anything, though they’d move heaven and earth to do so.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">They are helpless. Watch the scene: they are
helpless in the face of so much pain. So they do what friends always do: they
wait. They let her scream and cry and pace and curse. And they wait. And then,
improbably, they make her laugh.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">What did they accomplish, other than – temporarily –
relieving the tension? Her daughter was still dead, her grandson growing up now
without a mother. Nothing changed. Except for one thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She was reminded that she wasn’t alone. For me, the
most devastating part of grief is feeling you’re alone, that no one else
understands – or cares about – what you’re going through. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">That’s where friends
make all the difference, even when they themselves are grieving. They can help
their friend by understanding, not judging; by listening, not lecturing; by
crying and on occasion, laughing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I didn’t know what to say” is a common excuse for
doing nothing to help a grieving person. Well, guess what? You don’t have to
say a damn thing. Just show up. Just listen. Because like Sally Field’s
friends, you’ll make all the difference in the world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="https://youtu.be/njmzcD4eY94">Steel Magnolias</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
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Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-32501104322346759902015-03-28T19:24:00.000-05:002015-03-28T19:24:25.380-05:00News about Friend Grief and AIDS<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C4BQof2UaxU/UWm-jASRFPI/AAAAAAAABD4/oJJ9ZZq48gI/s1600/FriendGriefandAIDSfrontFnl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C4BQof2UaxU/UWm-jASRFPI/AAAAAAAABD4/oJJ9ZZq48gI/s1600/FriendGriefandAIDSfrontFnl.jpg" height="200" width="125" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s that time of year again! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m pleased to
announce the 2015 update of <i><b>Friend Grief and
AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends.</b><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Each year about this time I update the resources and
statistics in my book. That's one of the advantages of publishing today - nothing ever has to be out-of-date.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You can find the updated ebook on <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Friend-Grief-AIDS-Burying-Friends-ebook/dp/B00CFT5IZ6/ref=sr_1_1_twi_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1427587791&sr=8-1&keywords=friend+grief+and+aids">Kindle</a>,
<a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/friend-grief-and-aids-victoria-noe/1115162073?ean=2940016695341&itm=1&usri=friend+grief+and+aids">Nook</a>
and <a href="https://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/friend-grief-and-aids">Kobo</a>.
The updated paperback will be available in about a week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If you have a previous version, just go to the AIDS
UPDATE page <a href="http://www.friendgrief.com/p/aids-update.html">here</a> for new information on the epidemic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And as always, 25% of the retail price is donated to
one of my favorite organizations in the fight against the epidemic: <a href="http://www.broadwaycares.org/">Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-5912036812936042252015-03-25T15:20:00.001-05:002015-03-25T15:20:27.583-05:00Laurel: A Guest Post by Fred Eberle<div class="OutlineElement Ltr SCX112940982" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; -webkit-user-select: text; background-color: white; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 8px; margin: 0px 0px 0px -1px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-n8UPFwvzd50/VRLhvpJSuZI/AAAAAAAACwQ/Eg_Jb2Cl4aQ/s1600/With%2Blaurel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-n8UPFwvzd50/VRLhvpJSuZI/AAAAAAAACwQ/Eg_Jb2Cl4aQ/s1600/With%2Blaurel.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lauren Cronin & Fred Eberle</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve
known Fred Eberle since 1989, when I was on staff at Chicago House and he was
one of my most dedicated volunteers. He is, without a doubt, one of the most
talented, generous, thoughtful men I’ve ever known (he's blushing right now,
trust me). I’m so pleased that he agreed to share this story
of one of the most important friendships of his life.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My friend, Laurel was…a force of nature. When she entered a room her energy and
charisma filled the space. Laurel Cronin was a brilliant actress and director,
and when she was onstage it was hard to watch anyone else. It wasn’t that she
intentionally pulled focus; she drew it to her. From the first moment we met,
it was as though we could finish each other’s sentences. I don’t know if I
believe in past lives but, if they exist, I know Laurel played a significant
part in mine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Laurel directed the first play I did in Chicago
after returning from college. It was a
community theatre production, and her creativity and ability to motivate her
actors made it a memorable experience.
We both went on to work professionally in Chicago, and our multi-level
relationship lasted for nearly 20 years. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We had one falling out that resulted
in a loss of contact for 2 years. I know neither of us thought it would be the
end of our friendship, but pride or stubbornness kept either of us from making the
first move. One day I heard that she had walked off stage and passed out in the
wings. Without thinking I picked up the
phone and asked what she needed. The ice
was broken and we were finally able to reconnect and move forward. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Jzkquf1hsxk/VRLh8ERJC5I/AAAAAAAACwg/1Cb2BOJZvV4/s1600/Laurel's%2BHirschfeld.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Jzkquf1hsxk/VRLh8ERJC5I/AAAAAAAACwg/1Cb2BOJZvV4/s1600/Laurel%27s%2BHirschfeld.jpg" height="200" width="154" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Immortalized by Al Hirschfeld</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Her illness was diagnosed as a kidney issue and,
with some time, medication and a change in diet she was able to resume her
career. A casting director invited her
to come out to L.A. and within a month she was cast in the supporting role of
Liza (Wendy’s housekeeper) in Spielberg’s film, <em>Hook</em>. That opened every door
and you couldn’t turn on the television without seeing Laurel in shows such as
<em>Murphy Brown, Brooklyn Bridge</em> and a supporting role in Julie Andrew’s short
lived sitcom, <em>Julie</em>. She also had roles in films including <em>A League of Their
Own</em>, <em>Beethoven</em> and <em>House Sitter</em> (which got her a feature story on <em>Entertainment
Tonight</em> as a “scene stealer”). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In May of 1992, Laurel was in town and we met for
lunch just before I left for a season of summer stock at the Peninsula Players
in Door County, Wisconsin. The season
would run through early October and, when it was over I was invited to come and
stay with her in L.A. She offered to show me around and introduce me to her
agent and managers. I thought my future
was set. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">One morning, as I was heading to rehearsal, I got a
phone call. It was Laurel telling me that her illness had returned and she was
coming back to Chicago to have a kidney removed. Her spirits were good and she
was determined to get back to work as soon as possible. Things seemed to be
going well until the pathology reports came back and it was discovered that she
had been incorrectly diagnosed. The problem was a malignant tumor hidden behind
the kidney. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The day after I got home from Wisconsin I called and
her mother told me Laurel had been moved to the hospice at Northwestern
Memorial Hospital. I visited several
times but was still in denial about what was coming. One afternoon, on the way to a theatre
fundraiser, I decided to stop in for a quick visit. When I got on the elevator I heard footsteps
and held the door and Laurel’s friend, Bridget got on. She said “I’m so glad
you’re here. She’s dying.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The reality finally hit me. I stood at the foot of
her bed with two of her best friends and watched as Laurel’s mother held her
hand and tearfully told her it was okay for her to let go. We were so amazed by her instincts that it
took a moment for us to realize that the tortured breathing had stopped. Laurel
was gone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In the years since, not a day goes by that Laurel is
not in my thoughts. I was a product of the era when we were taught that “men
don’t cry.” Even during sense memory
exercises in acting class I was never able to produce a tear. Since that day at Northwestern, I cry at the
drop of a hat. I think that's a good thing. I guess that is just one of many things for which I owe Laurel
my thanks. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="Paragraph SCX112940982" paraeid="{2a6c6c1a-2946-431b-aa92-19cc67d57345}{160}" paraid="1435754599" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; -webkit-user-select: text; background-color: transparent; font-size: 6pt; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; word-wrap: break-word;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p>Fred Eberle is a former professional actor and director. He spent nearly 2 years in the original production of <em>Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up? </em>Fred currently works as a Concierge and Event Planner, and. sits on the Advisory Council for Concierge Preferred Magazine. He also co-hosts the magazine's quarterly web cast, ¨Unlocking Chicago¨.</o:p></span></div>
</div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-72185258247146140782015-03-17T10:07:00.001-05:002015-03-17T10:07:08.785-05:00Brain Injury Awareness Week<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://ferretrunner.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/brain_injury_awareness_month_round_sticker-p217722568011979512z8j38_400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://ferretrunner.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/brain_injury_awareness_month_round_sticker-p217722568011979512z8j38_400.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">For most people, March 17 is a day to celebrate
being – or pretending to be – Irish. For me, though, it’s the anniversary of a
day that changed my life.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">On St. Patrick’s Day, 2009, I was sitting at a red
light when I was rear-ended (no alcohol involved). It was not the first time it happened to me, but
this time turned out to be very different. I became one of the 2.3 million
people who suffer a traumatic brain injury each year.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The car sustained very minor damage. I had terrible
head pain, but again, I didn’t think much of it. That evening, I was nauseous. I
assumed I was just upset about the accident. I know full well the signs of a
concussion, but it just didn’t occur to me that that was a possibility. I even
took a nap, and later slept through the night.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The following morning, nothing had changed: I was
still nauseous with a severe headache. But when I called the insurance company
I had trouble writing down claim numbers. Later, I was driving again when I realized
something was very wrong. I felt like I was in a fog. I couldn’t focus. I pulled
over and called my doctor, who directed me to the closest emergency room.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Six hours, a handful of x-rays and a CT-scan later,
I was released with a neck brace and an order for an MRI. I kept asking if I
had a concussion, and no one would answer, until the doctor who signed me out
finally said, ‘well, you certainly have the symptoms’. Eight Tylenol a day and
“take it easy” were my only instructions. </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When we think about head injuries – if we do – it’s
normally in the context of professional athletes or members of the military.
But thousands of people each year who are not football players or soldiers
suffer traumatic brain injuries from falls in the home or car accidents.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Those around me were used to me operating at a
certain level of competence. No longer.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Initially, the effects were obvious: nausea that
lasted a couple days, a neck brace I wore for a week, a severe headache for six
weeks. I didn’t drive for a month, and even then, not on the highway for
another week or so. I didn’t feel confident at all about my reaction time or
ability to focus on the task at hand.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I couldn’t read: partly because of the headaches,
but also because I couldn’t retain what I read. Watching TV posed the same
challenges: I couldn’t remember characters or plot lines. </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When I talked, my headache got worse. I could say
two, maybe three sentences without having to stop because the pain spiked. Talking
also made me short of breath. I had to almost whisper to avoid pain.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I thought I couldn’t remember things, but in truth,
they never stuck in my head to begin with. They weren’t there to forget. Someone
would say something to me and I’d nod and agree, when in fact, by the time they
finished their sentence, I had no idea what they’d said. I was constantly reminded
of things I had no memory of hearing the first time.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My sense of direction failed me time and again. My
handwriting was difficult to read. I found myself having trouble writing
certain letters. Sometimes the act of writing was difficult to control,
resulting in a wild-looking scrawl.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">After a year, I gave up a 15 year, award-winning
sales career. I couldn’t remember prices or procedures consistently. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made stupid mistakes submitting orders, costing
me money out of my own pocket. That added to my stress, which increased my
confusion, which added to my stress.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Six years later I feel the effects to some extent
almost every day. If I can control the stress - a big “if” - I have a truly
normal day. If not…not. I’m still reminding those around me of actions that can
trigger problems for me. But I’m resentful that I’m still reminding them. I
know they’re tired of dealing with this, but they have no concept what it’s
like to be me.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A brain injury is “invisible”. You wouldn’t hesitate
to sympathize with a person whose arm was in a cast, or who had to use
crutches. But because others can’t see what you’re dealing with, you can find
yourself the butt of jokes – even from those close to you.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">You may have a friend who has suffered a brain
injury. You may even have made jokes about it, and I imagine they smiled when
you did. But I can assure you that they died a little inside. </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Because I didn’t pass out or fracture my skull, my
concussion was not taken seriously by my doctors. What care I’ve had has been
mainly self-directed. I will be forever grateful to the people I’ve seen for
cranial-sacral therapy and the wonderful staff at the Rehabilitation Institute
of Chicago. </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I won’t lie: I cried a lot. I grieved for what
happened to me. I grieved for the woman I would no longer be: the dependable, multi-tasking,
entrepreneurial over-achiever. It took months, but I accepted that I was
different now: no more multi-tasking. As it turned out, that wasn’t all that
bad.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">About five months after the accident, I was suddenly
able to start on the book I promised my friend Delle I’d write. My creative
side – long dormant – was unleashed. So I guess I owe something to the nasty
little man who rear-ended me: a new career. </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I hope you’ll take the time to check out this link
about Brain Injury Awareness. And next time you talk to a friend who has
suffered one, forget about jokes. Ask “how are you doing?” And listen. It will
mean the world to them. Trust me.</span></div>
<br />
<a href="http://www.biausa.org/brain-injury-awareness-month.htm">Brain Injury Fact Sheet</a>Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-42227140476180191812015-03-10T08:54:00.001-05:002015-03-10T08:54:20.821-05:00National Women and Girls' HIV/AIDS Awareness Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.theredpumpproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/logo.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.theredpumpproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/logo.png" height="65" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I was on staff at Chicago House when we opened the
city’s first hospice for people with AIDS in January, 1990. At that time, there
was only one funeral home that would accept the bodies. Nursing homes and stand-alone
hospices refused anyone dying of AIDS. Sympathy was extended only for those who
contracted the virus in a way that defined them as “innocent victims”: blood
transfusions or birth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It was a beautiful old house near the lake shore,
donated to our organization. The doctor who lived next door was opposed to it,
but once he understood that people would arrive in an ambulance and leave in a
hearse (unlike crowds lined up for the overnight shelter he imagined it to be),
he calmed down. No record exists of how adamantly he opposed the drug house
across the street.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The hospice had room for five people, and when we
welcomed the first group, the room on the first floor, to the left of the front
door, was occupied by a woman of color. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She’d been infected with AIDS by her husband, an
IV-drug user, and though he was somewhat healthy, she was dying. She despaired
of what would happen to her children, who would be left with her husband and
later, presumably, foster care. As I recall, there were no family members
willing or able to step up and ease her mind. Later, a friend of mine would
start a stand-by guardianship program for women with AIDS – similar to open
adoption – that would’ve allowed her to choose a family for her children,
reducing her stress and giving her a little peace. But that happened too late
for her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Over thirty years since the start of the epidemic,
AIDS is still looked at by many as a disease of punishment: for being gay, for
being a drug user, for being promiscuous, or all of the above. But AIDS has always behaved like any other virus: it doesn’t discriminate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">From the beginning, there were services directed to
gay men (still disproportionately affected by the epidemic); few focused on
women. It was a sad joke in the old days that “women don’t get AIDS, they just
die from it.” That’s because until the women of ACT UP waged a fierce campaign
to change the definition of how the virus presented, women with AIDS weren't properly diagnosed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In 2015, there are great advances in both treatment
and prevention, but for many women, they are not practical or affordable. Women
may be in abusive relationships or in a culture where they are not allowed to
insist on using protection during sex. They may not have access to effective
prevention and treatment. Or they might just feel uncomfortable walking into a
clinic with “gay” in the title.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Human nature being what it is, there are always
those who believe they are invulnerable to any consequences, particularly when
it comes to unprotected sex. That explains why AIDS and other STIs are on the
rise among senior citizens: when unplanned pregnancy is no longer a threat, the
effort to prevent sexually-transmitted infections fades.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Luckily, there are organizations that are doing
remarkable work to address the vulnerability of women. One of my favorites is
The Red Pump Project, which focuses on educating African-American women on the
options available to them. Fully 84% of new infections
among women are through heterosexual sex. And even in 2015, a woman in the US
is infected with HIV every 47 minutes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I know a number of women who are long-term
survivors, but I don’t know many women who died of AIDS. That woman at Chicago
House was the first, and it had a profound impact on me. Anytime someone passed
judgment on a gay man for being infected, I called them on it with the proof that
the virus doesn’t discriminate. You can’t have it both ways: you can’t say it’s
a punishment for some and not for others. A virus is too stupid to pick and
choose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So today, I hope you’ll check out </span><a href="http://www.redpump.org/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The Red Pump Project</span></a><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">
and other organizations in your community that are reaching out to women,
particularly women and girls of color, at risk for infection. There’s a lot of
stigma attached to AIDS – still. But it can be eliminated with education and
awareness. Find out how you can help yourself and your friends. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And
#RockTheRedPump.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-28718657539045567012015-03-03T17:12:00.003-06:002015-03-03T17:12:40.759-06:00"You have been - and always shall be - my friend"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/6a/Leonard_Nimoy_by_Gage_Skidmore.jpg/640px-Leonard_Nimoy_by_Gage_Skidmore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/6a/Leonard_Nimoy_by_Gage_Skidmore.jpg/640px-Leonard_Nimoy_by_Gage_Skidmore.jpg" height="200" width="152" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nimoy at Phoenix Comicon</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">Unless you live under a rock, you know that actor Leonard Nimoy, the Vulcan first officer Mr. Spock on the original </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">Star Trek</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">series, died at the age of 83. And though he was surrounded by his family when he died, they were not the people the media reached out to first. They were not the people his long-time fans wanted to hear from. They wanted to hear from his friends.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">Most of those who were interviewed were former cast-mates on <i>Star Trek, </i>along with others who worked with him in his impressive career on stage, television and film. Many found it challenging to express their grief for a man they counted as their friend for decades.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">Not everyone – even celebrities – can be eloquent when a friend dies. I’ve written about the backlash against Paul McCartney’s “It’s a drag” comment after John Lennon was murdered. He attributed his words to the shock of hearing the news just hours earlier. There are those now criticizing William Shatner, Nimoy’s co-star on <i>Star Trek</i>, because he honored a previous commitment to appear at a fundraising event rather than attend his friend’s funeral.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">I guess I’m less inclined to criticize, because I don’t know what’s in their hearts and minds. But I found it instructive that those who knew him best focused not on his work, but on the man. Bear in mind these are “official” statements. I’m sure more will come later:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">“We will miss his humor, his talent and his capacity to love.” – William Shatner</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">“He was a true force of strength and his character was that of a champion.” – Nichelle Nichols.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">“His most enduring quality was his kindness and his desire to make you the most you could be.” – Steve Guttenberg<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">“My heart is broken. I love you profoundly, my dear friend. And I will miss you every day.” – Zachary Quinto<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">“Today the world lost a great man and I lost a great friend. You taught us to ‘live long and prosper’ and you indeed did, my friend. I shall miss you in so many ways.” – George Takei<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">Even the astronauts on the International Space Station – and remember, that many of them were inspired by the ideals of the original <i>Star Trek</i> series – paid tribute to Nimoy and his unique character on the show.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">But perhaps the best tribute to Nimoy – the best compliment for any friend – is the line from <i>Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan</i>. Spock is dying. His friends are not only unable to save him, but forced to watch him die. And though Spock was resistant to expressing any emotions, he manages to tell Kirk, his closest friend, “I have been – and always shall be – your friend.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.3999996185303px;">Why don’t you say those words to someone today?</span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dhcR-w-56tA" width="480"></iframe>Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-70587811931967705472015-02-25T08:42:00.000-06:002015-02-25T08:42:21.453-06:00Coming Soon to Friend Grief<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN1lbqHhIxjgFVOVgH9tnlt72PFS42_c_WM4IihEZbcKxotV71lmCx5efbGB0aFRsHbsUupeut-EhS8RBGAben4hD1yS9a-X6ZQ5-dOwboq1BoA3_cDmw2Cf0EDkUBOQIdb-v-4l2Cqdu-/s1600/previews-of-coming-attractions1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN1lbqHhIxjgFVOVgH9tnlt72PFS42_c_WM4IihEZbcKxotV71lmCx5efbGB0aFRsHbsUupeut-EhS8RBGAben4hD1yS9a-X6ZQ5-dOwboq1BoA3_cDmw2Cf0EDkUBOQIdb-v-4l2Cqdu-/s1600/previews-of-coming-attractions1.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Have you been busy? I sure have. And that means
there’s a lot coming soon here on </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Friend
Grief</b><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> in the next few weeks:</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul style="direction: ltr; list-style-type: disc;">
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The re-release of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty
Years of Burying Our Friends</i></b> with updated statistics and resources for
2015. As always, 25% of the retail price of ebook and paperback versions will
benefit </span><a href="http://www.broadwaycares.org/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Broadway
Cares/Equity Fights AIDS</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">.</span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in;">
</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The release of the fifth book in the
series, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle</i></b>
(cover reveal next week).</span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in;">
</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Another great guest post for your
enjoyment.</span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in;">
</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The debut of my new, full website, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">VictoriaNoe.com.</b> (Don’t get excited –
it’s not live yet) The new website will include this blog, along with lots of
added content:</span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in;">
</div>
<ul style="list-style-type: circle;">
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Discussion questions for each book</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A list of resources specific to each
book</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Links to my freelance articles</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And more!</span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto;">
</div>
</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And one last thing…the first issue of my
monthly email newsletter. Some of you receive these blog posts via email. This is
different, and you’ll have a chance to sign up for it soon. We’re still
designing, but I can tell you it’ll include links to the previous month’s blog
posts, along with news about my books and appearances. Don’t be surprised if
there are contests, too.</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So, yes, a busy time! I hope you’ll stick around for
a wild few weeks, because I promise you, it’ll be worth it!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">.</span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-55684573884342980432015-02-17T19:09:00.001-06:002015-02-17T19:09:19.970-06:00Grieving Your Friends on Facebook<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://freeroyaltyvector.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/fac.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://freeroyaltyvector.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/fac.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Last week two separate articles caught my eye.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The first was the announcement by </span><a href="http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/ct-confidential-facebook-executor-0217-bizct-confidential-facebook-executor-0217-20150216-column.html"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Facebook</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">
that users could now designate an “executor” to manage your account after you
die.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve written before about friend grief and Facebook:
finding out about a friend’s death, setting up a tribute page, and the shock of
seeing a notice of their upcoming birthday. You'll see a few links at the bottom of this post.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">For years, surviving friends and family members have
struggled with what to do about the deceased’s online accounts. Sometimes it’s
the challenge of finding the password that no one else knew. Sometimes it’s
proving to Facebook that that person died and their page should be archived. In
addition, multiple tribute pages can pop up after someone dies. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Now we can all name our Facebook executor, who will
be responsible for our page(s) after we die. That’s one less complication left
for survivors to deal with: though, sadly, they will not have the power to
delete those embarrassing selfies that you felt compelled to share with the
world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The other article was a </span><a href="http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/schmich/ct-facebook-schmich-0215-met-20150215-column.html"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">column</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">
by Mary Schmich in the <i>Chicago Tribune</i>,
about grieving for someone she only knew on Facebook.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A friend of mine compared Facebook friends to pen
pals (remember pen pals?): someone we write to but never really expect to meet
in person. It defines the friendship, but doesn’t diminish it.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Like it or not – and plenty of people don’t –
Facebook and other social media are not going away any time soon. Our attention
may wander from Facebook to Twitter to Google+ to Instagram to Tumblr to
Pinterest…you get the idea. But go away? Not likely.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I hate turning on my computer and seeing a Facebook
post or open an email like I did this morning that begins with “Sad news…” The
email was about a former customer who became a friend, a passionate school
librarian I hadn’t seen in over a year. I’d noticed her absence at a couple of
meetings, but never got a straight answer about why she wasn’t there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Knowing her, that was deliberate. Either she told no
one or gave strict instructions to not share what was going on in her life. And
trust me, if you’d seen ‘that look’ she sometimes gave (I saw it directed at
others, not me), you would keep your mouth shut.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m sad not just that she’s gone, but that I didn’t
know how ill she was. Maybe sending a card or email wouldn’t have meant
anything to her, but I would’ve had the chance to connect one last night.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She didn’t have a Facebook page, so I can’t go there
to post anything. At least I got the email from the librarians’ organization,
so now I can attend her funeral. That news pushed me to email another former
librarian customer who’s not on the email list, so maybe a little good can come
of it all.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But I do miss that opportunity to go on Facebook and
share a story or express my appreciation for the almost 20 years that we knew
each other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Keep that in mind as you consider appointing a
Facebook executor. Maybe you’ll take the option of crafting final messages,
maybe you won’t. But before you dismiss the idea of what your Facebook page
will be like after you’re gone, take a moment to think of the friends left
behind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">They may be a tight-knight group who all know each
other in real life. More likely, they’re a far-flung group who have never all
been in one place at the same time, other than your page.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Give them the parting gift they’ll appreciate the
most: the chance to say goodbye, to say thanks, to say they love you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Trust me, they’ll be grateful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Here are some other posts about grieving on
Facebook:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.friendgrief.com/2012/01/death-notice-on-facebook.html">A Death
Notice on Facebook</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.friendgrief.com/2012/11/setting-up-facebook-tribute-page-for.html">Setting
Up a Facebook Tribute Page for Your Friend</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.friendgrief.com/2013/12/friends-calendars-and-facebook.html">Friends,
Calendars and Facebook</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-64449979790497388802015-02-10T11:27:00.000-06:002015-02-12T16:59:38.219-06:00Friend Grief and…Valentine’s Day?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSUtdPxzLjGb7Np16X_vqDepSxVtOU_pu_0lTPf1idURQD2NH7p0Fh1peDf6v9MuK639nGzl7g_MrG4PHFLjNrvRA9hN2X-7GTdz2l6sdvFBnnXovh3N-2ExXChQhJEf19GTj9_BN7h3YF/s1600/valentine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSUtdPxzLjGb7Np16X_vqDepSxVtOU_pu_0lTPf1idURQD2NH7p0Fh1peDf6v9MuK639nGzl7g_MrG4PHFLjNrvRA9hN2X-7GTdz2l6sdvFBnnXovh3N-2ExXChQhJEf19GTj9_BN7h3YF/s1600/valentine.jpg" height="200" width="163" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Good. I got your attention.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Valentine’s Day is certainly not a day we associate
with friends. It’s one designed to guilt-trip us into spending lots of money on
flowers, candy, dinner, lingerie, etc. to share with a romantic partner. Friends?
Not so much.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I remember when I was younger, that I hated the time
between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. The holidays were all about families,
and I was single. The last holiday was the worst, because the expectations were
so ridiculously unrealistic. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So let’s ignore all the hype and guilt and consider
our friends.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I don’t know about you, but I found 2014 to be an
unusually challenging year. So did a lot of my friends. Relationships,
finances, health, or a combination of things brought many of them to the brink
of despair. I couldn’t begin to count the phone calls, online chats, texts and
emails shared about serious crises. Even watching the “In Memoriam” slide shows
at the end of the year depressed me, seeing the loss of famous people I
admired.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Last year I lost two friends, and I miss them both. Another
friend had successful cancer surgery. And yes, I get that some of this is
because, as my husband is fond of saying, “we’re at that age”. But that doesn’t
make it any easier.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“We can’t keep putting this off any longer.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve heard that line a lot lately. In fact, in the
last couple of weeks I’ve had a surprising number of conversations with friends
– on Facebook, Twitter, email, and phone calls – about getting together. These
are friends who are spread across the country; the shortest distance apart is
about 400 miles. The shortest time I’ve been apart from one of them is almost
three years ago; the longest separation is since the early 80s. And though no
one has used the words, the motivation is “I don’t want to wait for a funeral”.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Tonight I’m taking out my calendar and penciling in
a few dates. One will be the end of March, another sometime in the summer. My
high school reunion is already set for June. The remaining one needs to be set
soon, too.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I couldn’t have gotten through my challenges in 2014
without my friends, and I suspect you feel the same way. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So, how about this: make a date with your friends
for Valentine’s Day.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Call them up, email them, text them. Share a picture
of the two of you on Facebook or Tumblr or Instagram to get the conversation
going. And make a date to get together.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">No, it doesn’t actually have to be on Valentine’s
Day. People are busy and sometimes it takes a while to come up with a time
you’re both free. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But do it. No excuses. Tell them you miss them.
Celebrate your friendship, which is – whether you admit it or not – based in
love. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Valentine’s Day is about love. Show a little to your
friends.</span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-5791563347931726262015-02-03T08:00:00.002-06:002015-02-04T08:01:05.796-06:00The Story of a Pink Cloud – Guest Blogger Rebecca Bricker<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnccg7cNb8rA41_LJ0hZBXYUk4pechuqKiUo_ggcbqsMNkl4JEY_tS75O4CD_9PeuuarodPc9pysXGNpYLGGnce2uqlNrDYpy0BfNQlw6mghtvKBM50iQptzIynIn9kLLY6MgwTbN3shrm/s1600/RB.by+sea.cu.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnccg7cNb8rA41_LJ0hZBXYUk4pechuqKiUo_ggcbqsMNkl4JEY_tS75O4CD_9PeuuarodPc9pysXGNpYLGGnce2uqlNrDYpy0BfNQlw6mghtvKBM50iQptzIynIn9kLLY6MgwTbN3shrm/s1600/RB.by+sea.cu.jpeg" height="151" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rebecca Bricker</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My friendship with Rebecca Bricker is like many of
those in the 21<sup>st</sup> century: online. We met four years ago (time flies
when you’re having fun). We’ve never met in real life, though she may meet my
daughter soon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The story of how she wound up living in Tuscany is
both funny and compelling. No, she’s not the author of <i>Under the Tuscan Sun</i>, but her <i>Tales
from Tavanti</i> is every bit as entertaining.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If you’re like me, certain things will
trigger the memory of a friend who died. For example, whenever I see a
steel-grey PT Cruiser, I assume it’s Delle behind the wheel. Rebecca Bricker
has a very deliberate ritual to ensure that she’ll remember.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><i>My thanks to Rebecca for sharing the blog post she
wrote last month about her friend, also named Rebecca, and how she remembers
her. This is an edited version:</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When I hear the news that someone dear to me has
died, I go outside and look at the sky. I memorize the way it looks and each
time I see a sky that’s similar, I pause to remember that person and send up a
big hello…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I had a close friend named Rebecca. We had been Cub
Scout den mothers and active volunteers at the school our young sons attended.
When I met her, she was recovering from breast cancer and for the next couple
of years appeared to be in remission. But then one day she said to me, “I went
to the doctor last week – the cancer is back.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">She had 30 tumors in her liver. Her doctor put her
in a clinical trial for a new cancer drug that seemed to have a miracle effect.
Within a few months, the tumors were gone. When she got the news, we were
sitting at my dining room table finishing a quilt for her sister for Christmas.
She and I danced around the table.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And then she did something surprising to me. She essentially
threw away the list she had made of the things she wanted to do before she died
– like making that quilt for her sister (which we did wind up finishing).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ve been given the chance to live my life again,”
Rebecca told me. She wasn’t dying anymore. She was <i>alive</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A talented artist, Rebecca began giving art lessons
to young people in her home studio. She camped out on her roof one night to
watch a meteor shower. I slept through it, but she told me all about it the
next day. She was living her life each day with joy and zeal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The drug’s cancer-quelling effect lasted almost two
years. Rebecca knew, as the results came in from other women who had started
the trial before her, that her cancer would likely return. And it did, with a
vengeance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm6ZQZJ_Rs0rAJR6NDRsAXIRcR7pvPWhV1DOVuTjbonWpOiLl9ixxambozDe2l_stADeQraNczdTjdZv9ZnMo_OOWiDzLnkW5omsv9Gjl3TLY7JkCf2wuefCrK_UNkMg09T5jdzslIz3CD/s1600/DSC01904.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm6ZQZJ_Rs0rAJR6NDRsAXIRcR7pvPWhV1DOVuTjbonWpOiLl9ixxambozDe2l_stADeQraNczdTjdZv9ZnMo_OOWiDzLnkW5omsv9Gjl3TLY7JkCf2wuefCrK_UNkMg09T5jdzslIz3CD/s1600/DSC01904.jpeg" height="150" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">On the night she died, just a few months later, her
husband called me to tell me she was gone. I walked outside and looked up at
the sky. The moon was bright, with Mars twinkling just above it. A billowing
pink cloud slowly filled the sky. The air was still, not a breath of a breeze
from where I stood. But as that pink cloud swirled around the moon and Mars,
blown by a wind I couldn’t feel, I knew she was there. I envisioned her at
heaven’s special-effects board playing with the buttons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A few weeks before Rebecca died, she said to me,
“I’m not leaving you for good, you know. I’ll be back to visit you, I promise.”
These conversations always took my breath away. I couldn’t bear to think of
life without her sunny face, her mirthful laugh, her <i>joie de vivre</i>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The summer after her death, I took myself to
France to celebrate my 50</span><sup style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;">th</sup><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> birthday. I </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">felt Rebecca’s presence on that
trip. She sat next to me at the Basilica of Sacre Coeur in Paris and wandered
with me through villages in Provence. As I stood knee-deep in lavender one day,
she assured me this was as close to heaven as any place I could find on earth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">On the flight back from that trip I awoke from a nap
and lifted the window shade. Next to the wing was a big puffy pink cloud.,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“There you are,” I whispered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A few days after I got home, I had dinner with a
friend, who had known Rebecca well. My friend said to me, “I had the strangest
dream last night about Rebecca. She came to me, asking me to massage her feet.
Isn’t that odd? She said her feet were so tired.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I smiled. “That’s because she’s been with me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In my travels, Rebecca is with me often. She always
wanted to experience the places I’ve been so fortunate to visit. Every time I
see a pink cloud hovering, I smile at her and say, “Isn’t this amazing?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You can follow Rebecca Bricker on her </span><a href="http://www.rebeccabricker.com/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">website</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61sNyKXZU8L._UY250_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61sNyKXZU8L._UY250_.jpg" width="129" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Her book, <i>Tales
from Tavanti: An American Woman’s Mid-Life Adventure in Italy</i>, can be
ordered </span><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Tales-Tavanti-American-Mid-life-Adventure/dp/146357276X/ref=la_B0063UUGI2_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1422895033&sr=1-1"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">here</span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-83778095751181211492015-01-27T13:10:00.001-06:002015-01-27T13:10:12.781-06:00Friend Grief and Shaming<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2010/09/16/opinion/Kristof_New/Kristof_New-superJumbo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2010/09/16/opinion/Kristof_New/Kristof_New-superJumbo.jpg" height="200" width="156" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nicholas Kristof - NY Times</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m not sure when it began, this need to feel
morally superior. But we see it everywhere. “My beliefs/race/gender/income/profession
make me better than you” permeates our society. And sadly, we even see it when
we grieve our friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Perhaps it’s as simple as a need to find a logical
explanation for something that doesn’t make sense. Assigning blame makes us
feel a little better about what happened. Some of the responses I’ve heard when
sharing the news of a friend’s death are:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“A bodybuilder?
Steroids, huh?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Melanoma? Did they go
to tanning salons a lot?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Heart attack? Well,
they were overweight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“AIDS? They must’ve
slept around.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Your first reaction may be to dispute their
assumptions. Or you may feel ashamed that they got it right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If you’re like me, the cause of death is not often
foremost in your mind. You’re reeling from hearing the news of your friend’s
death. You’re trying to make sense of it. Maybe you’re even blaming yourself
for not intervening in some way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This past weekend, Nicholas Kristof wrote a painful
eulogy to his friend, Kevin, in the <i>New
York Times</i>, <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/25/opinion/sunday/nicholas-kristof-wheres-the-empathy.html?_r=0">“Where’s the Empathy?”</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“The doctors say he
died at age 54 of multiple organ failure, but in a deeper sense he died of
inequality and a lack of good jobs.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">You can argue Kristof on politics and job creation,
of income inequality and the shrinking middle class. He would probably welcome
such a discussion. But what you can’t do – must not do – is criticize him or
his friend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Kristof’s grief for his high school buddy is
searing. “I have trouble diagnosing just what went wrong…” he writes of his
friend’s downward spiral to a much too early death. Resist the temptation to
ask why Kristof didn’t do something to help his friend. Imposing guilt – which seemed
to be an undercurrent in his op-ed – is not helpful to anyone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Kevin Green’s story could happen to anyone. In fact,
it’s already happened to a lot of people. A factory job used to be the
cornerstone of a solid, middle-class lifestyle. Now those jobs have dried up,
and people like Kevin are the “collateral damage”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When I was working in the AIDS community, I was
often asked “how did they get it?” That
struck me as pretty offensive, just like the other comments I mentioned above. If
someone says something stupid like that to you after your friend dies, you
might want to respond as I did: “What difference does it make? They’re dead.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Not polite, I’ll admit, but it usually shut them up.
Your grief for your friend is yours and important. It should not be subject to
someone else’s value judgment. Whatever the circumstances of their death, maybe
this, Kristof’s closing words to Kevin, will help you focus on your friend,
too:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Those who would judge
you don’t have a clue. They could use a dose of your own empathy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-76706435178917327232015-01-09T14:06:00.001-06:002015-01-09T14:06:54.909-06:00Celebrating Your Friends<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsdVPKOBvJGC_nYHhGBlfZQ0_XqJR1to_5xw4z-VOHcRL2U0RMdcmZLMlxom7qdGy_3iFP1V94RTx8wOL7UNzwo6ggcVW1l4MQCHbsBcXS4L1nepsvz_R1Gm-7cJJ6EvFJrtZWzjJ_2gWF/s1600/IMG00433-20121026-1435.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsdVPKOBvJGC_nYHhGBlfZQ0_XqJR1to_5xw4z-VOHcRL2U0RMdcmZLMlxom7qdGy_3iFP1V94RTx8wOL7UNzwo6ggcVW1l4MQCHbsBcXS4L1nepsvz_R1Gm-7cJJ6EvFJrtZWzjJ_2gWF/s1600/IMG00433-20121026-1435.jpg" height="149" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">There was supposed to be a party today.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I want to make it to 90,” Pierre told me when he
was 88. His parents had only lived to their 70s, but others in his family had
lived longer.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“We should have a party,” I suggested. He liked that
idea. I mean, if you’re going to live that long, you deserve a celebration.
“You could have dancing girls.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">His eyes lit up. He liked that idea, too. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We never had a chance to discuss details. Pierre
died last January, a short time after his 89<sup>th</sup> birthday.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We don’t always remember our friends on their
birthdays. Sometimes we remember them on the day they died. November 22 is the
day we remember President John F. Kennedy, not May 17, his birthday. September
11 is the day we remember those who were killed in the 2001 terrorist attacks. Those
deaths were very public, so that’s understandable.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sometimes we remember them on holidays because those
are times we traditionally gather together and reminisce. My friend, Mary
Ellen, was born on Christmas Eve, so that’s when I remember her.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But often we remember on their birthdays. Many of
our holidays are someone’s birthday: Martin Luther King, Jr., George
Washington, Abraham Lincoln. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And why not? Why shouldn’t we remember our friends
on the anniversary of the day they came into this world? That’s the day that
made our friendship possible. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s sad, though, especially the first year after
they died. I’ve been thinking about Pierre all week, wondering if I could write
about him today. After all, it took me almost a year to <a href="http://www.friendgrief.com/2014/12/all-my-friends-are-dead_4.html">write</a> about him at all.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But then I remembered that day at his house. I’d
sent him a sinfully rich chocolate cheesecake for his birthday a few weeks
earlier, so the topic came up easily (birthdays, not chocolate). He told me he was
prepared for death whenever it came. His body had gone through a lot, and he
wasn’t interested in staying alive just because medical science said it was
possible.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">He still saw beauty in little things: sitting in the
warm sunshine on his front porch, watching the traffic speed up and down the
Glen; a cozy cashmere sweater (or two); a funny story.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When he said he wanted to make it to 90, I knew it
was a long-shot. He wasn’t going to have surgery just to get to that milestone,
and that was his right. I also knew if he was told he wouldn’t make it, he’d
probably just shrug that typically French, incredibly sexy shrug. I imagine he
felt that making it to 89 was close enough. And it was, technically, his 90<sup>th</sup>
year.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So I choose to remember Pierre today, on what
would’ve been his 90<sup>th</sup> birthday, rather than later in the month, on
the first anniversary of his death.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Maybe one of your friends died last year, too. And
of course the first anniversary will be hard. But how about getting out your
calendar and marking their birthday on it? </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Decide to spend part of that day remembering them:
do something you two used to do together, go someplace you both loved, dig out
your photo album (remember those?) and wallow in good memories; call a mutual
friend and swap stories.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s hard. I know it’s hard. But soon you won’t
focus on how sad you are that they’re gone. Instead you’ll feel how very grateful
you are that they were a part of your life. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Because that friendship – like all our friendships –
made us who we are today.</span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-58060186539027327992015-01-01T14:24:00.000-06:002015-01-01T14:25:39.043-06:00Top Ten List for Friend Grief in 2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjewNHPcJi0m9TzcY91AHF-H2wPdMs7awsdzlTO-8z_Y6sM_X1zB3kMDE28jVm49e2hjWaN8Qcd6q9iPHWIxUb-v9G9cA5ZW80JkmDyuVd02P8ECacEQtg-naY2sBGhaX5SR1OJlHr5o9F/s1600/NewYears300x299.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjewNHPcJi0m9TzcY91AHF-H2wPdMs7awsdzlTO-8z_Y6sM_X1zB3kMDE28jVm49e2hjWaN8Qcd6q9iPHWIxUb-v9G9cA5ZW80JkmDyuVd02P8ECacEQtg-naY2sBGhaX5SR1OJlHr5o9F/s1600/NewYears300x299.jpg" height="199" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The fireworks are over, the champagne is long gone.
You woke up refreshed and ready to go…or not. But regardless, it’s a new year –
2015. And here at </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend Grief</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">, it
promises to be a very, very busy one. That’s why, instead of ending 2014 with a
list of accomplishments (and there were many, thanks to all of you), I thought
I’d start 2015 with a list of plans:</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<ol style="direction: ltr; list-style-type: decimal;">
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Friend
Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle</span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">,
the fifth book in the series, comes out in a few weeks.</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The
second book in the series is updated each year with new statistics and
resources: that means <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of
Burying Our Friends</i></b> will be re-released in March.</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A
new website will be unveiled in February, with not only this blog, but discussion
guides and expanded resources for each book.</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The
sixth book in the series, about men grieving their friends, will be released
later in the year. (I need a title, by the way, so suggestions are welcome.)</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">More
ways to find my books. In addition to <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Victoria-Noe/e/B00C02LTRE/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1420140604&sr=8-1"><span style="color: blue;">Amazon</span></a>,
<a href="http://www.indiebound.org/hybrid?filter0=victoria+noe&x=0&y=0"><span style="color: blue;">IndieBound</span></a>,
<a href="http://store.kobobooks.com/search?Query=victoria+noe"><span style="color: blue;">Kobo</span></a>, <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/victoria-noe?store=allproducts&keyword=victoria+noe"><span style="color: blue;">Barnes
& Noble</span></a>, they’re now available from </span><a href="http://www.thegrieftoolbox.com/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">The Grief Toolbox</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">;
coming soon on iTunes. </span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When
the sixth is done, I’ll be bundling them into one volume.</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">That
complete volume will also be released in an audio version.</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">More
opportunities to see me at speaking engagements at nonprofit organizations and
book-related events.</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">More
freelance articles like this one on <a href="http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/itsnottheyrefamily"><span style="color: blue;">The Grief Toolbox</span></a>. Not all will be grief-related. After all, my first paid freelance article was about the trials and
tribulations of being a St. Louis Cardinals fan married to a Chicago Cubs fan.</span></div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Formal
announcement of the somewhat intimidating book project that will follow the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend Grief</i> series. It’s been rumbling
around in my head for almost a year now, and is moving forward more quickly
than I anticipated.</span></div>
</li>
</ol>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, it will be another
busy year: sharing stories of people like you who grieve the loss of their remarkable
friends. And as usual, you won’t be surprised to find that they use that grief to
create a better life, not just for themselves, but those around them.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wishing you all the
best as we head into the great unknown of a new year: one that is full of possibility,
excitement and hopefully, peace.</span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-62922430912663685212014-12-19T11:49:00.002-06:002014-12-19T11:49:51.311-06:00Friend Grief's Top Five List for 2014<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/download-picture.php?adresar=70000&soubor=calendar-2014-1386878592qZo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/download-picture.php?adresar=70000&soubor=calendar-2014-1386878592qZo.jpg" height="132" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The year is almost over and I thought it would be a
good time to look back on the posts that generated the most interest this year.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The funny thing about writing is that you don’t
always know what resonates with people. Sometimes you write something that you
believe is so brilliant it will change the lives of everyone who reads it – and
obviously, everyone in the world will read it. That usually doesn’t happen.
Sometimes you write something that’s definitely not your best effort, but
there’s something about it that hits a nerve.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This list certainly surprised me:</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">#5 <a href="http://www.friendgrief.com/2014/01/update-on-friend-grief-and-aids.html"><span style="color: blue;">Update
on Friend Grief and AIDS</span></a> The second book in my series has been the most
popular by far. It’s also the one that I’ve committed to updating every January
(so expect a 2014 edition in the next few weeks) to include current facts and
new resources. It’s a subject I’ve been close to for over 30 years now. I donate
25% of the retail price (not profit) of every paperback and ebook to <a href="http://www.broadwaycares.org/"><span style="color: blue;">Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS</span></a>.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">#4 <a href="http://www.friendgrief.com/2014/08/how-celebrities-grieve-their-friends.html"><span style="color: blue;">How
Celebrities Grieve Their Friends</span></a> 2014 seemed to be an exceptionally bad year
for celebrity deaths. For some reason, we expect those in the public eye to
grieve differently than we would. They don’t. It’s just that their grief is on
display for the world to critique.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">#3 <a href="http://www.friendgrief.com/2014/10/the-end-of-friend-grief-series.html"><span style="color: blue;">The
End of the Friend Grief Series?</span></a> The title certainly got a lot of attention.
I’m not at the end of the series, but getting close. The fifth of sixth books
comes out in late January. But there’s more to come, and the series has taken a
turn that surprised me.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">#2 </span><a href="http://www.friendgrief.com/2014/02/anger-condemnation-and-philip-seymour.html"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Anger,
Condemnation and Philip Seymour Hoffman</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ah, celebrities again. The death of this
talented actor brought out not just grief but anger and swift condemnation as
well. The reactions were shocking to a lot of people – friends and strangers
alike.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">#1 </span><a href="http://www.friendgrief.com/2014/02/friend-grief-guilt-vs-regret.html"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Friend
Grief: Guilt vs. Regret</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. This was definitely a surprise. I
try very hard to avoid regrets. And 2014 has shown me the power of doing that.
I grieve for two friends who died this year – Pierre and Dan – but I don’t have
a lot of regrets. That has eliminated the guilt I would’ve felt if I hadn’t
taken a chance of looking stupid. I highly recommend a carpe diem approach to
life.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So that’s my list. I suspect the 2015 list will
surprise me as well. Maybe one of your favorites is here, maybe not.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As always, stay tuned. There are big, big changes
(all good) coming soon that I think you’ll find helpful.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">One thing won’t change, sadly: we will grieve our
friends. And hopefully, we’ll remember them with love and joy, as we’d want
them to remember us.</span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-66330259884056198202014-12-11T15:53:00.001-06:002014-12-11T15:53:16.013-06:00Friend Grief Without (too much) Guilt<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.boppchapel.com/sitemaker/memsol_data/1829/1476039/1476039_profile_pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.boppchapel.com/sitemaker/memsol_data/1829/1476039/1476039_profile_pic.jpg" height="200" width="151" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">There are different kinds of guilt. There’s the
guilt we feel for saying or doing something that hurt someone else. And there’s
the guilt we feel for <i>not</i> saying or doing something.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">About a month ago, I acted on a whim. It was
something I’d thought about doing for a while, but hadn’t done. What
possessed me, I have no idea.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">During college I lost touch with the guy I took to
prom junior year. We did a couple musicals together, and he also came with me
to my senior Christmas dance. We had fun together (not to mention my first
kiss). Dan was often overshadowed by his popular older brother, a very talented
actor and pianist. But I think one of the reasons Dan and I got along so well
was that I liked him for himself, not his brother.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I knew he’d gone to work for one of the airlines
after college, but otherwise, did not have any direct contact with him for a
long time. A couple years ago that changed when we became friends on Facebook.
We sent birthday wishes and liked each other’s updates, but that was the extent
of it.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In October, I was visiting my mother and realized
I’d driven by the business he opened after retiring from the airlines. I
remember thinking “I should stop by and say hi.” Then I thought, “No, that’s
stupid.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But on a trip in early November, I decided to risk
feeling stupid or even unwelcome. Dan was working in the front of the store,
and as soon as I walked through the doorway, he smiled. “I’d recognize you anywhere,
Viki.” </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">He invited me to sit down and we spent some time catching
up on what we didn’t know from Facebook. I told him I’d be back in town this
week and we talked about maybe getting together outside of his work day.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This past Saturday a very cryptic post on his
Facebook page showed up in my notifications. It was from a man he’d worked
with, expressing his gratitude for their friendship. In fact it was so cryptic,
it took me a few readings to realize it meant that Dan was dead. It took the
rest of the weekend for confirmation that indeed, he’d died suddenly.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It wasn’t that I had any great expectations of what
getting in touch again would mean. I just assumed in November that he’d still be
around in December.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I was wrong.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Honestly, I’ve been pretty weepy all week, though I haven't had time for the cry that I know I
need. I will, I promise, probably tonight or tomorrow when things calm down a
bit. I’m going to miss his memorial service on Saturday, because, as usual, I’m
300 miles away.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So, yes, I’m grieving right now. But I’m grateful
beyond words that I acted on that whim. Even though I had no reason to believe
he wouldn’t be his usual charming self, I did worry that I’d make a fool out of
myself. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Do I wish I’d seen him sooner, maybe when the idea
first popped into my mind? Of course I do. But I did see him and talk and laugh
and hug. And as much as I wish there would be more of that, I’m grateful that I
don’t feel guilty. Had I not seen him, had I assumed I could stop by sometime
in the future, oh, yeah: what I would feel most strongly now would be guilt.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I wish we would’ve had more time together. He was,
without a doubt, one of the sweetest, kindest, funniest men I’ve ever known. I
don’t think I fully appreciated that at 16, but I sure do now. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">There’s probably a Dan or two in your life: a friend
you’ve lost touch with, not because you had a fight, but because life took you
in different directions.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">If you’re reading this, and someone pops into your
head who fits that description, please reach out to them. You have my
permission to use the holidays as an excuse. Don’t wait until tomorrow. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Because tomorrow might be one day too late.</span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-45154446781670434412014-12-04T16:31:00.000-06:002014-12-04T16:31:12.042-06:00"All My Friends Are Dead"<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0LzxuCLL8HaWC3zcvA3H8eoukNMQ13KItN4Iz9STD-6LV982Qa67E3TY_z2o_eLJ7QA2UvYOCuJIIw_qDweH5YYbtBevl4lotCW38mGt-vtp1b51ieZ68O39x0adbpuAjMS1O-C39B8TV/s1600/imagesK934QBLI.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0LzxuCLL8HaWC3zcvA3H8eoukNMQ13KItN4Iz9STD-6LV982Qa67E3TY_z2o_eLJ7QA2UvYOCuJIIw_qDweH5YYbtBevl4lotCW38mGt-vtp1b51ieZ68O39x0adbpuAjMS1O-C39B8TV/s1600/imagesK934QBLI.jpg" height="149" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pierre on "Combat"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Growing up in the 60s, I was, along with my friends,
definitely anti-war. I knew guys who served in Vietnam – two who died – but I
didn’t agree with the war. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It seemed odd to many that one of our favorite TV
shows was </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Combat!</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> It ran from
1962-67, and featured a squad of American soldiers in France after the D-Day
invasion. We watched the show because we thought the actors were cute. And my
favorite was Pierre Jalbert.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Pierre was my “type”: under six feet tall, dark,
lean. The French accent didn’t hurt. It was a great, long-distance
fantasy…until we met.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8mCrmSchYoc9TDYN95g4CaMTs910OvIVB_un7yUzX97HAlXh4Md6Pn5OXxGFU9G1lAMDj_Fv7JJJqLL0OByLY-wuYoptpolgJqAx8lfyRjmTpr5qSqK1kCN8XKmVx0DinZj58EgxzHEU2/s1600/10288794_10204384396594464_4038182852102506171_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8mCrmSchYoc9TDYN95g4CaMTs910OvIVB_un7yUzX97HAlXh4Md6Pn5OXxGFU9G1lAMDj_Fv7JJJqLL0OByLY-wuYoptpolgJqAx8lfyRjmTpr5qSqK1kCN8XKmVx0DinZj58EgxzHEU2/s1600/10288794_10204384396594464_4038182852102506171_n.jpg" height="198" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The night we met</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s a long story that I won’t get into, but one
night in 1984, I think, my two best friends and I found ourselves partying with
Pierre, his wife, and Jack Hogan, who played Kirby on the show. The next day I had the worst hangover of my life, but it was worth it. I only saw him
once more, about a year after that. One of my friends kept in close contact,
but I didn’t. I’m not sure why.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Pierre’s life was nothing short of amazing: Canadian
ski champion, Olympic captain, friend of movie stars, ski instructor, sound
editor, actor, writer. He built his house in Beverly Glen and was a talented
wood carver. He was obsessed with the life of the Marquis de Lafayette. “He was
19 when he fought in the Revolutionary War!” he’d tell me again and again. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">He told me because I visited him a few times in
recent years to record the stories of his life. We’d sit in the dining room of
his beautiful home, scanning old photos, taping our conversations. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsdVPKOBvJGC_nYHhGBlfZQ0_XqJR1to_5xw4z-VOHcRL2U0RMdcmZLMlxom7qdGy_3iFP1V94RTx8wOL7UNzwo6ggcVW1l4MQCHbsBcXS4L1nepsvz_R1Gm-7cJJ6EvFJrtZWzjJ_2gWF/s1600/IMG00433-20121026-1435.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsdVPKOBvJGC_nYHhGBlfZQ0_XqJR1to_5xw4z-VOHcRL2U0RMdcmZLMlxom7qdGy_3iFP1V94RTx8wOL7UNzwo6ggcVW1l4MQCHbsBcXS4L1nepsvz_R1Gm-7cJJ6EvFJrtZWzjJ_2gWF/s1600/IMG00433-20121026-1435.jpg" height="149" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">During one of my visits</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">He was certainly frail those last years, after
suffering a stroke. I drove him to some doctor appointments. Though he
was frustrated with minor memory lapses, he never lost his sense of humor.
Once, when a medical technician assumed I was his wife, he insisted, “No, she’s
my girlfriend, not my wife.” I turned bright red, because even at 88, he was
still a handsome flirt.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I wrote last week that I learned a lot from him in
his last year. I didn’t just learn about Lafayette, or why he was brought in to
help with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Godfather</i> (Pierre’s
responsible for the iconic baptism/mob hit sequence at the end of the movie). </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I learned that he gave full credit to his friends
for everything that happened to him in his life. A new one would appear at a
crucial moment, offering him an opportunity that would change his life: the
actress who invited him to Paris, the businessman who sponsored his immigration
to the US. “I wouldn’t be where I am today without my friends.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I learned that he missed them terribly. “All my
friends are dead,” he insisted, when we first sat down to record his stories.
“Not all of us,” I countered. His stories about his friends were told without a
trace of envy or disapproval. He loved them for who they were, and though he
didn’t always understand or condone their behavior, he loved them nonetheless.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I learned that with every setback – rheumatic fever,
the shattered leg that left him in constant pain for over 60 years, deportation
when he failed to secure a work visa – he bounced back. He had a resilience
that was remarkable. “Weren’t you depressed when you couldn’t ski in the
Olympics?” “Sure,” he agreed. “For a week.” Then, Norma Shearer invited him to
Paris, and he moved on to the next adventure.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I learned that it’s possible to live your life
without regrets. When he insisted he had no regrets about his life, I was
skeptical. I tried to bait him, frankly. Maybe it was Buddhism that gave him that peace. But just as he saw his friends
impact his life, he saw each twist and turn as something ultimately better.
Everything happened for a reason.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I feel like I learned a lot from Pierre. I still
have my notes and my tapes. Next year I’ll transcribe them and put
them into a coherent tale about one of the most remarkable men I’ve ever known.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I can hear his voice sometimes. If I close my eyes I
can feel his hand in mine as we walked through the parking lot to lunch. When
my car windshield is dirty, I think of him insisting I pull into the gas
station in Santa Monica so he could clean it.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Finally, Pierre, I’m writing about you. Don’t give
me that typically French shrug, as if you don’t care. I know better. So
wherever you are, pour yourself a scotch on the rocks and settle back. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Allons-y.</span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-84958261994690755792014-12-01T12:00:00.002-06:002014-12-01T12:00:46.146-06:00World AIDS Day 2014<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5a1HaOi7XfbU36QQy0RBRQBK1WUStSdeItdDdJdhUJA-iizQN9W6GZCHPbFhL_QRn-glV-ZlfqQHvKVOfp-0DZ7-g0baRnO3QJmsNVDTKEv_Ke5a3IUW2AiYYhaIjOr7JwiKAo52cH-uz/s1600/world-aids-day-logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5a1HaOi7XfbU36QQy0RBRQBK1WUStSdeItdDdJdhUJA-iizQN9W6GZCHPbFhL_QRn-glV-ZlfqQHvKVOfp-0DZ7-g0baRnO3QJmsNVDTKEv_Ke5a3IUW2AiYYhaIjOr7JwiKAo52cH-uz/s1600/world-aids-day-logo.jpg" height="175" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Today, December 1, is the 27</span><sup style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 115%;">th</sup><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> annual
observance of World AIDS Day.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Since that first year, when I dropped a few pounds
in the collection can at the curtain call of a play in London, I’ve marked the
anniversary.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The second year I coordinated a fundraising event.
Some years I went to a special Mass or memorial service. Other years I simply
made note of it and went about my business.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This year I’ll be part of a reading and panel
discussion at <a href="http://www.womenandchildrenfirst.com/event/world-aids-day-discussion-generation-gap-tracy-baim-zach-stafford-and-victoria-noe">Women & Children First bookstore</a> in Chicago about the
generation gap in the AIDS community. This <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/victoria-noe/bridging-the-aids-generat_b_6222574.html">reflection</a> on Huffington Post last
week will give you an idea of what that means in terms of fighting the
epidemic.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The theme for World AIDS Day this year is “Focus,
Partner, Achieve”.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This year the epidemic looks like this:</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>1.2
million people in the US are living with HIV; 14% don’t know they’re infected.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The
annual number of new infections has held steady for 10 years: 50,000/year.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>13,000
people with AIDS in the US will die this year.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The African-American
community – particularly men who have sex with men – is disproportionately
affected.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So, how do we follow the theme for this year?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 1in; text-indent: -1in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Focus:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Target education and prevention
efforts to the communities most at risk: African-Americans and young people 13-24</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 1in; text-indent: -1in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Partner:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Work with faith communities,
schools, government agencies and nonprofit organizations to reach those
communities. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 1in; text-indent: -1in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Achieve:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Make an AIDS-free generation our goal.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What does all that mean?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It means that 30+ years into the epidemic, there’s a
hell of a lot of work to do, in the US and around the world.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It means we have to reach out to make sure that every
conversation- whether it’s about education, affordable housing, access to
healthcare, affordable medications, anti-discrimination laws, aging – includes
a recognition of how those issues impact people living with HIV, and those at
risk of infection.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">There is no cure. There is no vaccine. But unlike
the early days, we have powerful tools: scientific knowledge, antiretroviral
drugs, PReP (Truvada, which can effectively protect against infection).</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">That’s where reaching out to partner with others is
important. The drugs won’t help you if you don’t know about them. They won’t
help if you can’t afford them. It’s hard to keep to a regimen if you’re living
in a homeless shelter. Unpredictable health won’t help you keep a job.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We’ve come a long way in 30+ years, but there is
such a long way to go.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And I for one would like to see a day when, on
December 1, people have to be reminded of what the world was like before AIDS
was eradicated.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And the only way we do that is by working together,
every day.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRGFbsU3xg8N49NltKoC5ds-pTknxjm1Eq8AY6cLn7gRqGE1wBE3yew6-2Rcvap4_sAImzu4axufee_3tm8vd6HAuLuxBYCS4TYFUUvUCveAvq4WPy3nOM-CNlImjMG4pUPr3Nm1bRLZsB/s1600/akt-up-6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRGFbsU3xg8N49NltKoC5ds-pTknxjm1Eq8AY6cLn7gRqGE1wBE3yew6-2Rcvap4_sAImzu4axufee_3tm8vd6HAuLuxBYCS4TYFUUvUCveAvq4WPy3nOM-CNlImjMG4pUPr3Nm1bRLZsB/s1600/akt-up-6.jpg" height="181" width="320" /></a></span></div>
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">For more information on HIV, AIDS and what you can
do to help:</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.aids.gov/"><span style="color: blue;">www.AIDS.gov</span></a></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.amfar.org/"><span style="color: blue;">www.amfAR.org</span></a></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.housingworks.org/"><span style="color: blue;">www.housingworks.org</span></a></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.actupny.com/"><span style="color: blue;">www.actupny.com</span></a></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://www.ejaf.org/"><span style="color: blue;">www.ejaf.org</span></a></span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-4946738900516242142014-11-25T08:50:00.000-06:002014-11-25T08:50:33.288-06:00Thankful for Our Friends – Here and Gone<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/5b/7a/21/5b7a21805b6eea4ac77bf130853e22ef.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/5b/7a/21/5b7a21805b6eea4ac77bf130853e22ef.jpg" height="126" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The holidays are a difficult time for those who
grieve.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Even under normal circumstances, we feel obligated
to be happy, to enjoy ourselves, to crave the company of others. But for those
who have suffered the loss of a friend, it’s tough to get in the holiday spirit.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We often hear that this time of year is for family. I
think we all agree that we like to reconnect with friends, as well. I look
forward to seeing friends from high school – often the only time all year we
can sit together in one place and catch up on our lives. Next year we’ll have a
reunion, but since we lost a classmate on 9/11, we don’t wait around for the
next formal gathering. We no longer say “we should get together more often”. We
do it.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A couple of my friends have faced serious health issues
this year. Even though none of the situations turned out to be life-threatening,
each one reminded me that none of us will live forever. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve found myself being more assertive about making
plans to get together with friends I haven’t seen in a long time – years, even
decades. Those friendships have felt more intense this year. Maybe it’s our
age. But there’s certainly a need to connect.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A friend of mine died in January. He was 89 and
frail, so it wasn’t unexpected. I assumed I’d blog about him soon after. But I
couldn’t. I tried, but I couldn’t. So now it’s ten months later – where did the
year go? – and I still haven’t written about him.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s not that I forgot. Like my friend Delle, there
are times I feel his presence, hear his voice. Things pop up that remind me of
him. He doesn’t feel all that far away. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So next week, after I’m done with my </span><a href="http://www.womenandchildrenfirst.com/event/world-aids-day-discussion-generation-gap-tracy-baim-zach-stafford-and-victoria-noe"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">World
AIDS Day event</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> in Chicago, I’m going to sit down and
write about him. He taught me a lot during his last year that I’m still
processing, so maybe this will help.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As you prepare to travel
over-the-river-and-through-the-woods to celebrate Thanksgiving with your
families, I hope you carve out (sorry, couldn’t resist that) some time for your
friends as well – the ones who are here and the ones who are gone.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Give thanks for the friends in your life who made
you who you are today.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">If they’re still here, tell them how much they mean
to you.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And if they’re not, tell them, too.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-66791640418230609162014-11-10T19:10:00.002-06:002014-11-10T19:10:58.712-06:00Friend Grief on Veterans Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/419qzOdbgYL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/419qzOdbgYL.jpg" height="200" width="124" /></a></div>
For Veterans Day, I'm reposting the announcement of my latest book, <em><strong>Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends</strong></em>. It recently earned an honorable mention in the Chicago Writers Association 2014 Book of the Year Awards. But what means even more to me are the reactions of veterans who have read it: "You get it."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><i><br /></i></b>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Grief is hard. Grief for our friends is often dismissed as unimportant, at least when compared to losing a family member. But friendships forged in the military are different, very different. You’re friends, but more, because your lives depend on it.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In my book, you’ll meet men and women on the front lines who watched their friends die, and carry the trauma of that moment with them for decades. You’ll meet noncombatants – doctors, nurses, chaplains, war correspondents and even a little drummer boy from the Civil War – who struggle with grief and guilt and carrying on. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">You’ll learn about moral injury, and how that may be a much bigger story than PTSD. And you’ll learn why the oft-recited statistic of 22 veterans a day committing suicide is shockingly inaccurate.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And because grief also changes people for the better, you’ll be introduced to individuals and organizations who are working with veterans to resolve their guilt, work through their grief and honor their fallen friends.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I struggled with the title. Everything I came up with was too vague or too wordy. So I explain in this excerpt how I made my decision:</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The popular mini-series <em>Band of Brothers </em>took its title from what has become known as the St. Crispan’s Day speech in Shakespeare’s <i>Henry V</i>:</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This story shall the good man teach his son;</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>From this day to the ending of the world,</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But we in it shall be remembered –</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">For he to-day that sheds his blood with me</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Shall be my brother…</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Since Shakespeare’s time we’ve often heard soldiers, sailors and Marines refer to their battle buddies as “brothers”. Even though it’s somewhat problematic, given the increasing role of women on the front lines, the designation has stuck. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In writings as far back as the ancient Greeks, the relationship between soldiers has been described as comparable to family. A family is a group of people related by blood that functions together with common goals and dependency. “Blood is thicker than water,” right? </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In the military, nothing can be accomplished without the trust and dependability of those in the unit. That cohesiveness is the difference between success and failure, life and death, every hour of every day. The bond is stronger than a normal friendship because your lives depend on it. So, when asked why they refer to their friends as brothers, you are likely to get an answer along the lines of “because they mean as much to me as family.” Referring to other soldiers as family members is, from their perspective, the highest compliment.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A similar phenomenon existed in the AIDS community in the 80s and 90s. People with HIV/AIDS – gay, straight, young, old, male, female – were often abandoned by their families. Their friends became their family of choice – of necessity, really – because their lives depended on them.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Conventional wisdom still holds that the bond between family members is normally stronger than that between friends. But I wonder why, considering this quote that’s quite a bit older than Shakespeare’s:</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 1in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.” (John 15:13)</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">That’s why this book is not titled <em>Band of Brothers</em> or <em>Band of Brothers and Sisters</em>. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This book is titled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Band of Friends</i>.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Friend Grief in the Military: Band of Friends</span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> is now available for <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Friend-Grief-Military-Band-Friends-ebook/dp/B00KKB36XM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1401107048&sr=8-1&keywords=friend+grief+and+the+military">Kindle</a>, <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/friend-grief-and-the-military-victoria-noe/1119582090?ean=2940149615568">Nook</a> and <a href="http://www.kobo.com/">Kobo</a>; paperback version available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble and IndieBound.</span></div>
<br />Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-37753101493287564882014-11-07T07:09:00.000-06:002014-11-07T07:45:46.240-06:00Keeping in Touch with a Friend Who Died<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiisiUbsoYsnFw1h8YURXQEkCpVD0FER6jQGgNDHQIHgggBfzMVR70BVZLOlA_P21RjQIaslmBL9KRCpVzRUxuv5QwtamZmGbFdD5ZG_e-GCgbqdnMgX33qJNlvjCHZRLlgHB2wnBnyggSV/s1600/Delle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiisiUbsoYsnFw1h8YURXQEkCpVD0FER6jQGgNDHQIHgggBfzMVR70BVZLOlA_P21RjQIaslmBL9KRCpVzRUxuv5QwtamZmGbFdD5ZG_e-GCgbqdnMgX33qJNlvjCHZRLlgHB2wnBnyggSV/s1600/Delle.jpg" height="200" width="155" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Delle Chatman</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I was helping my mother sort through old papers
yesterday morning: bank statements, tax returns, paid bills. The shredder
simply stopped twice, overheated and tired. On one of its breaks, I picked up
two envelopes addressed to her in my handwriting. Puzzled, I opened them both to find copies of
emails I had shared with my parents: emails from my friend, Delle Chatman.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When I realized what they were, I had to smile. You see,
today is eight years since Delle died. I’ve felt her presence on occasion – so strongly
at times I’ve heard her voice and once even felt her arms around me. My first
thought upon seeing the emails was, “Gee, you’ve been quiet for a while. Where
have you been?”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Those of you who have read my books or this blog for
a while will recognize the name. Delle is the reason I’m a writer. I told her
when she was in remission from ovarian cancer that I wanted to write a book
about people who are grieving the death of a friend. She was enthusiastic about
the idea, and made me promise to do it. It took a while, but I did.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The first email was dated New Year’s Eve, 2004. I won’t
go into detail about it. It was deeply personal, reflecting on both her cancer
battle and that of my father. She closed it saying she wanted us to get
together the following week for coffee because she wanted some guidance from me
on a new project. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m struggling to remember that project. It might be
one of several; she always had something percolating. But I was a little
surprised to see in print that she had asked for my help. I know we’d ask each
other for input on various things, whether related to our daughters or our
work. But still, it gave me a little comfort to see confirmation of her respect
for my opinion.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The second email was dated Feb. 18, 2005, exactly four
months before my father’s death. Delle, herself, was just out of the hospital
after another recurrence of what she called “the beast”. While the first email
was only for me, this one was sent to “Delle’s Elves”, those of us who had
rallied around her since her initial diagnosis in 2002. It was one of her
occasional emails bringing us up to date on her condition, outlook and needs.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As usual, she cut to the chase and related the bad
news first. But most of the three page email was devoted to good news, exciting
projects and her love of her daughter, The Remarkable Ramona. And she ended it
as only Delle could: giving hope to those who sought only to hold her up:</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I just wanted to
let you all know there’s fresh cause to give thanks and to praise God. I wanted
to share the depths of it all with you because for a few years now for some of you
(thank Heaven for new friends!) you’ve walked with me in spirit, truth and
love. I’m grateful for your company and your friendship.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This is what matters.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This is all that
matters.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As you pray for me and
Ramona, know that we are praying for each of you.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">God has given us to
each other.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And I, for one, am
very, very glad about that.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Peace, </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Delle</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Like I said, I’ve “heard” from her many times since
her death. Whether it was a candle flame sparking a fire on the side altar at our
church during a Mass being said for her, or the sun blinding me through a stained
glass window during my daughter’s confirmation (Delle was supposed to be her
sponsor), each occurrence has been marked by a certain…theatricality. That’s
how I know it’s her. Nothing subtle will do. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“God has given us to each other.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I know all of Delle’s friends feel that way.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And we always will.</span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-84835565788741109042014-11-03T08:59:00.001-06:002014-11-03T08:59:34.437-06:00Friend Grief and the Holidays<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6WmIvhjTrts/VFNx6ttl1cI/AAAAAAAAAAA/K8vkCZDP8IA/w940-h235/event_theme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6WmIvhjTrts/VFNx6ttl1cI/AAAAAAAAAAA/K8vkCZDP8IA/w940-h235/event_theme.jpg" height="80" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now that we’re past Halloween, the holidays are upon
us. You may not be ready, but they’re coming anyway. For the first time in a
long time, I will have my Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving. But that
was a self-defense decision, as I have an unusual amount of holiday commitments
this year.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">This may be a year in which you’ve lost a friend –
or more than one. We tend to think of grieving during the holidays in the
context of losing a family member. That’s often the case. It’s been forty years
since my uncle died in a car accident less than two weeks before Christmas.
There was not much to celebrate that year. Even when a death occurs much earlier
in the year, the holidays become one of those ‘firsts’ we struggle to get
through.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But little attention is paid to those who are
missing a friend during the holidays. That grief is every bit as important.
It’s just too often dismissed.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">That’s why this Wednesday, Nov. 5, I’ll be the guest
on a Google+ hangout on that very topic.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">CHANGES</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">,
hosted by Sally Ember, will be live from 10-11am EST. You can be a part of it
or check it out afterwards, if the time conflicts with your schedule.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Here are the links:</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wednesday, November 5 -
</span><a href="https://plus.google.com/u/0/events/c9ku3k90ik4brr141v0673pnkvo"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">,
LIVE</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">:
</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Or catch our conversation any time on
</span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUgaENZbwO4"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">YouTube:</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">
</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I hope to see you there with lots of questions for
us! If you can’t make it, but would like to have your question answered, email
me at </span><a href="mailto:victorianoe@friendgrief.com"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">victorianoe@friendgrief.com</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">,
and I’ll do my best to include it in our discussion.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-54825886075968943162014-10-29T07:46:00.001-05:002014-10-29T07:46:10.057-05:00The End of the Friend Grief Series?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.watchtv.co/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Headlines-Today-News.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.watchtv.co/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Headlines-Today-News.jpg" height="80" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Don’t get excited. It’s not happening tomorrow.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When I made the decision to serialize what was
originally one book I knew it would eventually end. I believed there would be
six books in the series. That’s still my assumption. What’s changed is the
subject of the sixth one.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">By now you know that I’ve published four books</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend
Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives A Damn</i></b></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years
of Burying Our Friends</span></i></b></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten
Mourners</span></i></b></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Friend Grief and the Military: Band
of Friends</span></i></b></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The fifth book, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an
Empty Cubicle</i></b>, comes out in January (details will be announced in
mid-December).</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I thought the sixth book would be a wrap-up. It
would be just about people who made major life changes after their friend(s) died.
But those stories can be found in the first five books. They’re not just
stories about someone dying and how their friend coped. They’re about those
friends and how they lived their lives afterwards. That sixth book, in effect,
is spread among the first five. But instead of ending the series after five
books, I realized I already had the beginnings of a sixth book.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In 2012, before I decided to serialize my original
book idea, I wrote a guest post for </span><a href="http://goodmenproject.com/the-good-life/men-over-50/men-grieving-their-friends/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">The
Good Men Project</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. It was my mea culpa for assuming that
it would be near impossible to get men to talk about grieving their friends. As
I said in the article, I’ve never been so wrong. I promised then to write a
book on this very topic. And so I shall.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Before you ask why I have not considered writing a
book just about women grieving their friends, read the post. Women are much
more likely to share their grief – in fact, they’re expected to. Men? Not so
much.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">After sleeping on the idea for a few nights, I
decided today that the sixth book in the series will indeed be about men
grieving their friends. I don’t have a title yet; that usually comes while I’m
working on the book. But I have some damn powerful interviews to share.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Who knows? There may be a seventh book or even an eighth.
I’ve had intriguing suggestions for future titles, so we’ll see. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">There you have it, then: the change of subject for
the sixth book is my big news for now. Next week, you’ll hear about the
anthology I’m proud to be part of, as well as more announcements about book signings.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As always, stay tuned!</span></div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2525229216299973928.post-31724883154303059262014-10-17T16:43:00.000-05:002014-10-17T16:43:50.495-05:00Where to Find Friend Grief<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZOGY8MxfNhqF2UgcOalwRNotRJfMz8MMaBkQCBGxCkvM6dLaTEzrBuk9A3kxRFh1mJJfxOcMOwzm9Gb5EZGaliKfJZUlkosZV9SVMln-Uaeh3Yn9E9GwKrnxqyxKys5KT7Vfge3KuPNA/s1600/Autumn+in+Garden+Nature+Wallpaper+HQ.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZOGY8MxfNhqF2UgcOalwRNotRJfMz8MMaBkQCBGxCkvM6dLaTEzrBuk9A3kxRFh1mJJfxOcMOwzm9Gb5EZGaliKfJZUlkosZV9SVMln-Uaeh3Yn9E9GwKrnxqyxKys5KT7Vfge3KuPNA/s1600/Autumn+in+Garden+Nature+Wallpaper+HQ.jpg" height="160" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Don’t you love autumn? As far as I’m concerned, you
can’t have too many sweaters. It feels like everything ramps up in intensity
once the school year starts. And so it is with me.</span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Here are some upcoming
events where you can find me:</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<strong style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -1in;"><br /></strong>
<strong style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -1in;"><br /></strong>
<strong style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -1in;">Oct.
23</strong><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -1in;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -1in;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -1in;">I’ll be leading a chat on
Twitter from 7-8pn (EDT) for @DeathwDignity. Look for the hashtag #dwdchat. If
you’re n ot already following me on Twitter, you can find me @Victoria_Noe.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 1in; text-indent: -1in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><strong>Oct.
25</strong><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If you’re near Rockford,
Illinois, I’ll be at the InPrint Book Fair, hosted by the fabulous Rockford group,
</span><a href="http://inprintwriters.com/2014/10/11/victoria-noe-to-be-at-in-print-book-fair/"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">In
Print Writers</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. Over 30 writers will be at the
Mendelsson Performing Arts Center, 405 N. Main St., from 11-4. Join us!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 1in; text-indent: -1in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><strong>Nov.
5</strong><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I’ll be live from 10-11am
(EST) on the CHANGES Google+ HOA. If you’re not already following me on
Google+, you can find me at Victoria Noe</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ll be sharing more next week, including:</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Upcoming
guest blogs</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Readings
and book signings</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Links
to new places where you can find the <em>Friend Grief</em> books</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Lots of excitement coming soon, so stay tuned!</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And most importantly, thanks for following me here and
on social media, for your wonderful feedback on my books, and spreading the
word. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I couldn’t do it without you!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
Friend Griefhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09657348016992982554noreply@blogger.com0