Coming Attractions on Friend Grief

I’m in New York this week, for Book Expo America and to meet some writing deadlines that have been hanging over my head. I thought this is a good time to let you know what’s coming up in the next few months here on Friend Grief:

1.      Guests. I’m quite excited that you’ll be seeing a guest blogger once a month. Men and women, their ages will vary, as will their perspectives. One was a caregiver to her friend, another is a grief professional. Yet another will offer a new take on the AIDS epidemic. All are excellent writers. What they share is the experience of grieving the death of a friend.

2.      Book reviews. More than one person has pronounced my subject matter ‘depressing’, and I’m sure it is to some people. I read some books about grief, but not a lot. While I am reluctant to create a hierarchy of grief, I do believe the grief we feel for a spouse or child is different than that we feel for a friend. But I’d like to share some of the books I have been reading, ones that deal specifically with the author’s grief over losing a friend. Some of them are celebrities, some are not. But all have something to say about the experience we will all have some day.

3.      Movie reviews, for the same reason as #2.

4.      Resources. Along with the book reviews, the Resources page will be expanded to include more organizations started by people who wanted to honor their friend’s memory. I’ll also be adding more social media: blogs, Twitter hashtags to follow, and Facebook groups.

5.      And last but not least, later this summer I will be publishing my first e-book on friend grief and anger. It’s a small book, about 5,000 words, and will be available later in print. As we get closer to the publication date, you’ll find out how you can download it for free.

So, get your popcorn and your drink, sit back and enjoy. There’s a lot more to come!

Grieving Online Friends

socialmedialedger.com

Last week I asked if friends we know only online are worth grieving. And I learned something very interesting. I already knew it was true for me, but as it turns out, it was true for a lot of people.

People may be in our lives for specific reasons: other moms in the play group, or the guys on the softball team, or the others suffering through a 7:45am algebra class. The friendships we make there may only last as long as those shared activities or interests. A few may endure.

Shared purpose draws us to people online as well. We gravitate to like-minded people, whether they agree with our political views, passion for baseball teams, or other common interests.

They fill a hole in our lives. They enrich us. We look forward to their posts and tweets. It only stands to reason that we’d mourn their loss, even if we’ve never met face to face.

But ultimately what I found most interesting was the desire of many people to meet their online friends. They’re connected, but they want to be more connected:

“When are you coming to London?”

“We’ll be in New York the same time!”

“We could meet at the conference.”

In the past year, I’ve met a number of people in person who I’d only known online. Like I said before, little things may have surprised me, but I’ve not been disappointed. If we think of our online friends as “pen pals”, then meeting them doesn’t seem odd at all.

I read an article about a man who lost track with one of his tweeps (Twitter friends), and found out later that he’d died. They’d been in touch for quite a while, but he only found out about the death from a mutual online friend.

He felt bad about two things: first, that he didn’t know the guy had been sick. He’d given no indication in his tweets that he was seriously ill.

Second was worse, actually: he didn’t know how to grieve. He couldn’t contact the man’s family: his Twitter account was deleted and he had no idea where he lived.

And he didn’t know how to explain his grief. How could you grieve for someone you’d never met? How do you explain you were friends with someone, when you didn’t even know what city they lived in?

To me, a friendship is a friendship. The connection you make with another human being is no less valid for making it online.

I read another article about a man who has set out to meet all his Facebook friends in person. I’ll be interested to hear how that works out: if he was disappointed, if meeting them strengthened their connection. 

Maybe we just all need to marvel about the advances in technology, the ones that allow us to establish a relationship – personal, not just business – with people on the other side of the world. In all likelihood they’re people you would’ve never been able to connect with otherwise. Of course you’ll miss them when they die. But you’ll be the richer for knowing them.

Memorial Day - Remembering Military Friends

Seaman Robert F. Noe

I intended to spend today considering responses to Wednesday's post about whether online friends are 'worth' grieving. But responses are still coming in, so I decided to let that topic percolate for a week. So if you want to join that discussion, feel free.

Below is my post from last Memorial Day. We won't actually celebrate it until Monday, but I think it's worth looking at again, with a recommendation of how you can show your appreciation to our troops.


I was thinking today, Memorial Day, about my father. He enlisted in the Navy in January, 1946, at the age of 17. Too late for the war, he spent two years up and down the coast of California. He talked about the men he served with in much the same way as we’ve become used to in movies and on TV.

We've seen many over the years - sprawling blockbusters, quiet reflections, black & white and color - on the big screen and on TV. Each is a little different, a slightly different take on war, death, life, friendship, purpose:

Band of Brothers

The Great Escape

“Combat!”

Apocalypse Now

“JAG”

The Longest Day

Patton

“NCIS”

The Great Santini

M.A.S.H.

Movies and TV shows about war and the military are set in a time and place that most of us didn’t experience. They include archival footage and simulations of famous battles. They are more or less factually based. They tell a story of a unique moment in time.

But at their core, the best ones are stories about relationships. Sometimes resorting to stereotypical characters (the “lifer”, the “farm boy”, the “coward”), they still create compelling stories about the men (and sometimes women) who fought to defend our way of life.

There is a special bond among military, especially those who serve in times of war. They depend on those around them – for support, for encouragement, for their very lives. Theirs are friendships forged in the heat of battle; friendships that last a lifetime.

When you take a moment to honor our veterans today, take another moment to think about their friends: those who made it and those who didn’t. Because I guarantee that every veteran is thinking of those friends, too.



If you'd like to show your thanks for the men and women serving in the military, please consider making a donation to the Cup of Joe for a Joe program from Green Beans Coffee. They're set up at military bases in Afghanistan and elsewhere, providing free coffee, tea and smoothies to our troops. One cup is a $2.00 donation, and you'll be doing something nice for someone who's risking their life for you every day.

Cup of Joe

Are “Virtual” Friends Worth Grieving?

Do you know your relatives?

I don’t mean the ones you’re in close contact with, like immediate family. I mean all of the people you know you’re related to, even the ones you only see at weddings and funerals: the ones whose opening line is always “you don’t remember me, do you?”

You probably do, even if you haven’t seen them face to face in decades.

Same with friends: some you see or talk to every day, others you only see every 10 years at class reunions.

My point is that you’ve seen them, met them face-to-face. That’s how you became friends in the first place.

But our lives are different now. We have “virtual” friends, people who may live on the other side of the world: people we “know” only because we text and tweet and chat and share and post and Skype.

So, what do you do when one of them dies?

In the past year I’ve met some of the people I’d only known online. Sometimes I was surprised (honestly, I thought he was taller). Sometimes they picked me out of a crowd. But in every case, the personality I grew to know online was the same as their real personality. I haven’t been disappointed, at least not yet.

Some of my online friends have now become “real” friends. What may have begun as a simple business-related connection has evolved into something much more personal. We share travel tips and restaurant recommendations, brag about our kids, offer support in our work and personal lives. As far as I’m concerned, the ability to meet people online you could have never met otherwise is a great gift.

Back to: what do you do when one of them dies?

It hasn’t come up for me, at least not yet. I have online friends who live all over the U.S., Canada, the U.K., France, Italy, and Australia. Many of them – most, probably – I’ve never met in person. We’re more like old fashioned pen pals.

I’m curious to hear about your online friendships. Have they evolved like some of mine? Do you consider them real friends, or do you relegate them to a lesser category? Would meeting them spoil things? Will you mourn them when they die?

On Friday, we’ll look at some responses, and consider the last question in particular.

Types of Grievers - Part 4

Let's face it: everyone has an opinion, not just about other things but about our own behavior. Imagine feeling you're not allowed to grieve honestly. It happens more often than you think, in this fourth and final look at types of grievers.





“You need to be strong for...”

“You need to move on.”

“Why haven’t you cried?”

We all grieve in our own way. But the fourth and final type of griever described here is the type no one wants to be. This griever can’t or won’t express their grief the way that feels most natural to them.

Generally speaking, in our culture, men are expected to be the strong ones when dealing with grief, and women are expected to willingly express their feelings.

Men may feel that any expression of emotion is not “masculine” and should be suppressed.

Women may feel that there’s something wrong with them because they’re not crying.

Men may feel they should limit their physical contact with others to stiff hugs and formal handshakes.

Women may resist the efforts of well-meaning friends and families to ‘let it out’.

Men may want desperately to talk about the person who has died.

Women may wonder why they feel relieved instead of sad.

Disapproval from friends, family, bosses and even strangers, can stifle our natural reactions to grief.

Our cultural and ethnic heritage, as well as the society we live in, can also contribute to the pressure that we need to grieve in a way that makes others feel more comfortable.

How do you grieve? Does it depend on the particular loss, or do you recognize that you handle grief in a certain way?

However you process grief, remember: everyone does it differently, and no one person’s way is the only way. No one should be bullied into grieving in a way that others dictate.

It may not be the way you grieve. But it’s just the right way for them.

Types of Grievers - Part 3

visualphotos.com

This type of griever is, I have to admit, more like me. It's hard for me to not multi-task, even when grieving. I bet you know someone like this.

Some people channel their grief into action: running errands, organizing, bringing food to the family.

Some people are very open with their feelings, talking and crying when they feel the need

Then there are people who do both.

I envy them.

Those are people who feel comfortable expressing their feelings, even if it’s uncomfortable to others. They cry in front of us, not because they expect us to make everything better, but because they need to cry. When they’re not crying – and sometimes even if they are – they keep busy. They organize the gathering after the funeral service, they make sure everyone at the wake signs the condolence book, they sign for flower deliveries.

They’re able to compartmentalize in a way, except both expressions – crying and doing – are positive actions that help them work through their grief.

Once all the services are over, and everyone has returned to their lives, not as much needs to be done. There is a hole, a lack of “things” to keep them busy. That’s the time – as anyone who has grieved can tell you – when the silence can be overwhelming.

So when you encounter one of these grievers, and marvel at their focus and ability to express themselves, step back. Let them do what they need to do.

Then pick up the phone a week or so later, to break that awful silence. And let them know you’re there for them.

Types of Grievers - Part 2

visualphotos.com

I'm old enough to remember when Jacqueline Kennedy was criticized for being "cold" at her husband's funeral. People thought she should've been more obviously emotional. Today we look at a type of grieving that our society has forced on men: instrumental.

Everyone grieves differently.

Often, people assume that someone who cries or talks about the person who has died is not handling their grief well. They are encouraged to stop crying, to not dwell on the past. But for that person, that’s how they express their grief.

Others are what may be defined as “instrumental” grievers.

Rather than express their grief by crying, they are more likely to intellectualize their grief.

They want to understand their grief, but they don’t want to talk about it.

They want to control their grief, so it doesn’t overwhelm them, or surprise them, or distract them.

They may also want to ‘do’ things. They may show up with food for the family, or run errands for them. They channel their grief into unemotional actions.

Just as emotional grievers are criticized, instrumental grievers also face disapproval. They may be considered cold or uncaring, because they don’t cry in public.

The ability to not cry doesn’t reflect a lack of caring. It’s just the way some people cope.

So if you see someone who has lost a close friend but acts as if they’re fine, don’t assume they’re in denial. Consider the possibility that they just grieve differently

And be kind.