Moving Day for Friend Grief

I hate to move to a new place. So much cleaning and packing and unpacking and organizing...it's exhausting. It's almost always an improvement, but still...

Today is moving day for the Friend Grief blog. I've been here on Blogger since my first post in February, 2011. It's grown by leaps and bounds, expanded, become a trusted resource and won awards. I hope all that continues, but it will not continue on Blogger.

This is the last post here before moving the blog over to my new website. It's a big jump, because now it's not just a blog, it's a full-service website. You'll find book links, reviews, resources and discussion questions. There's a page with links to my interviews and freelance articles, as well as upcoming events and speaking opportunities.

But no matter how fancy the packaging, this blog will continue. You'll still find articles of interest to those who grieve the death of a friend, guest posts and book/movie reviews. It will, I hope, continue to be a safe place for those experiencing a grief that often earns little respect.

So just hop on over to the new blog page on Victoria Noe. The first new post there will be next Tuesday, May 5, with an exciting announcement you won't want to miss.

To those of you who have found me and followed me here, my thanks. I hope you'll follow me over to the new site and continue to inspire me to keep writing.

Lots of Friend Grief News

It's spring. After a long, tough winter that tried everyone's patience, it's spring. The snow has melted, the brown grass is turning green. Depending on where you live, flowers have forced their way above ground. Some of you have spring fever, or maybe just hay fever. I feel like I have my own little spring going on right now.

Today is a day that’s been a long time coming. The Friend Grief blog is four years old, and it’s been in need of upgrading for quite some time.

So as of today, I (also) have a new website: VictoriaNoe.com.

This is a big step in a lot of ways. First of all, it’s my name, not the subject of my books. It was important to take this step because my writing has already begun to expand into other areas. That doesn’t mean it was easy. Putting my name out front – rather than the books – has intimidated me for a long time.

This fall will see the publication of the sixth and final book in the Friend Grief series: Friend Grief and Men: Defying Stereotypes. Next year they will be bundled into one book and released on audio. And then…well, that announcement is coming soon, too.

I wanted to expand what I offer online to my readers. So the new website includes a lot of new content:

            Reviews and book group discussion questions for each book

            Resource links specific to each book

            A complete list of my freelance articles and interviews

Sales links to the Friend Grief books as well as My Gutsy Story™ Anthology 2, which includes a story of my own ("I'm Not Gutsy, But You Are")

I’m not one of those authors who’s intimidated by speaking in public. So you’ll find a page devoted to public speaking, with presentations I can bring to your event or class.

On April 29, I’ll send out my first weekly email newsletter. I don’t want to fill up your in-box unnecessarily, so each one will be short, sweet and timely. The first 100 people who sign up for it will receive a free pdf of the first chapter of Friend Grief in the Workplace: More Than an Empty Cubicle, coming out in May.

I have the talented and patient folks at 1106 Design to thank for their hard work on my new website. I hope you’ll check it out and find a lot to like.

And have no fear: the Friend Grief blog will continue, with posts of my own, guests, book and film reviews and more. So feel free to keep checking us out right here.

My thanks to you all who have followed me this far. I’m not done yet.

Be My Guest on Friend Grief

James Montgomery Flagg

In addition to interviewing people for my books, from time to time, I invite people to share their experience grieving the death of a friend. Now is one of those times.

Oh, you’d like to, but you’re not a professional writer? Don’t let that hold you back!

Would you feel more comfortable simply answering a series of questions? We can do that!

In general, here are the requirements:

1. The experience you describe must be related to the death of a friend. They don’t have to be a close friend, nor does the loss need to be recent. It just has to be about a friend – not a family member or pet.
2. If you choose to write it yourself, I’d like something that’s no more than 600 words.
3. You must be comfortable with your work being edited by me.
4. Include a bio and photo. The photo can be of you, your friend, or the two of you together.
5. Submission is no guarantee that I will use it. But if I don’t, I’ll explain why.
6. Include social media links: your website or blog, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, etc. Those links will be included at the bottom of your article, but only those you wish to share.
7. Themes can include how you and your friend dealt with their illness, promises you made to them before they died, anger about their death, challenges you faced in grieving them, and what you do now to keep their memory alive.

So, that’s it – pretty simple! There is no deadline, though I’ll be posting the first one next month. If you have any questions, just email me at victorianoe@friendgrief.com.

Know someone who’s lost a friend? Share this information with them.

I can’t wait to read what you have to share about the friends who were so important to you. And I know everyone who reads Friend Grief will be excited to read about them, too.

Friend Grief Has Come A Long Way

In January, 2011, I was preparing to go to my first writer’s conference, where I would be pitching agents for the first time. Part of my research was something that I used to impress upon people – not just agents – the need for a discussion about grieving a friend.

So I Googled “grieving the death of a friend”. I expected to find some references to a mostly academic book on the subject. But as I scrolled through the top 100 listings, I was startled:

More than half were for people who hadn’t lost a friend, but wanted to help a friend who was grieving.

            There were more listings for people grieving the death of a pet than a human friend.

To me, it pointed out the need for a place for people who are grieving the death of a friend.

To others, my statistics were hard to believe. I guess people want to believe that they can find what they want – and a lot of it – on the internet (let’s not even get into whether the information is timely or accurate). But in this case, there just wasn’t much out there.

A month later, I started this blog. Like many who write blogs, there are times when I feel like I’m talking to myself. But increasingly, I know that’s not the case. Within a year of that first pitch, the Google search results had shifted. Two years later, they were dramatically different.

That’s entirely the result of the people who read this blog and feel they’ve found a place where like-minded people are gathering.

They’re lost a friend – or two or ten or more – and are surprised and hurt by the indifference of those around them. Maybe they were shut out by their friend’s family, maybe they were stunned to find out that they couldn’t just ‘get over it’.

Others may have been slow to realize the impact of that friendship and its end, unable or unwilling to voice the pain of its loss. An increasing number of people see that death as a catalyst for making major life changes.

Right now, I’m working on the next two books in the Friend Grief series: one on the military, one on 9/11. They’re not easy to research or write. I’ve planned two more books in the series (on grieving friends in the workplace, and on people who made changes in their lives after the death of a friend), but I’ve had a strong recommendation for an additional book: on losing friends to suicide. The jury’s still out on that. If I get enough feedback to prove that this is important, I’ll give it a shot.

This blog, as the rest of my writing, is evolving. Suggestions are ALWAYS welcome: for the blog, for the book series, for other books or articles. There are many ways to reach me (see Contact page) and I really do appreciate hearing from you.

Who knows? The story of you and your friend may wind up here someday.

 

 

 

Another Birthday on Friend Grief

Two years ago today, I started this blog.

It was one week after I attended my first writing conference. I had an idea for a book, had conducted a few interviews, done some serious research, but I wanted to know if anyone else thought I was doing something that would make a good book.

I found out that there were a lot of people who thought I was onto something. And they encouraged me to not wait until the book was finished: start a blog. Now.

So I decided to begin a conversation with you. At that time, if you Googled “grieving the death of a friend”, you’d be directed to more sites dealing with the death of a pet than a human friend. Now, thanks to Friend Grief, that has reversed.

Your support has made this one of the top 20 grief support websites, and I’m grateful. I love your comments – both on this blog and privately – because they prove that this is a type of grief that needs to be discussed.

Even people who have told me they thought my topic was depressing have a story to tell about when a friend died. Some are struggling, some are inspired, but all shared the same desire: to keep their friend’s memory alive.

That book I pitched to agents two years ago is now six small books, all of which will be published this year. The first one will come out this month, so check out the Events page for book signings and readings as well as the Books page for information on ordering your copy (paperback or ebook).

I’ve learned a lot in two years: about writing, publishing and how people grieve their friends. I hope you’ve learned, too:  that your grief for your friend is normal, important and potentially life-changing.

You’ll be meeting some interesting people in the next twelve months whose stories will make you sad, make you laugh, make you think. It’s going to be a fantastic year, and I hope you’ll enjoy the ride.

As Doctor Who (the Tenth Doctor) would say:

“Allons-y!”

Stepping Back from Friend Grieving

123rf.com

I’ve written about this before, but I thought this was a good time to revisit the topic of self-care when writing about grief – or any difficult subject. And I believe the same principles apply to those working in hospice, therapists and grief counselors.

The fifth book in my series about grieving the death of a friend will be about 9/11. I always knew it would be included, but I deliberately positioned it late in the series. My blog posts about that day have been difficult to write. It’s overwhelming at times to even think about it. So I gather research, read books, and fill up a shelf in my bookcase. And I walk away. Eventually, I’ll have to take a deep breath and dive in. But it will be a slow process.

In comparison, the second book, now at the editor, is about losing friends to AIDS. I was somewhat surprised at how much anger was involved – not just from me, but from the people I interviewed and wrote about. I thought I’d put more distance between me and that subject, but I hadn’t, and neither had they. Maybe the anger fueled me, not for the first time. But this book took a relatively short amount of time to write.

I feel more detached from books three and four, and frankly, that’s a relief. So is my latest venture, writing book reviews on BroadwayWorld.com. I don’t review books that are in any way grief-related. I decide what kinds of books to review. I have control.

And maybe that’s the bottom line: control. We often feel like grief controls us, that we are being swept away. The feelings we experience are so raw, so powerful, we are helpless to fight them. And many times that’s right. We’re not in control: of our emotions, of our reactions, of what happened to us.

When our lives – whether it’s writing about grief, working with people who are dying or grieving, or grieving ourselves – overwhelm us, we have to find the strength to step back. Having someone say “you need to get past this, get over it” is not the same as hearing them say “let’s go out for lunch” or “I’ll watch the kids so you can take a nap”. And unfortunately, the former is what we hear most often.

So, if you are grieving or live/work in a situation where others are grieving, do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself. Even if it’s 15 minutes a day, do it. Turn off your phone, go for a walk, take a power nap, cry, crank up the radio: do something that takes you away from grief and gives you a tiny bit of control over your life.

Before you know it, those 15 minutes won’t feel self-indulgent: they’ll feel absolutely necessary. They may turn into 30 minutes or even an hour. You aren’t disrespecting the friend who died –or your work – if you do this. You are refueling your body and your mind for the tasks ahead.

Don’t wait for someone else to make you do it. Do it for yourself, today.

 

Big Changes for Friend Grief

UPDATE - 11/1/12

HURRICANE SANDY-RELATED DELAY FOR E-BOOK LAUNCH. DON'T WORRY - IT'S COMING!




If I’ve seemed quiet lately, there’s a reason. I’ve been attending a conference and doing research, which took a lot of time. But November will be a big month for Friend Grief.

On November 2, the first in a series of small books on the topic of grieving your friends will be released. Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives a Damn will expand on a few earlier blog posts on anger. It will be available on all e-book platforms, and the links will be posted here as soon as they’re available. For my followers in the UK, Canada and Australia, you’ll be able to get it right away, too. If you’re keeping score, November 2 is Day of the Dead.

The print version (about 60 pages) is targeted for release on November 19, which was Delle Chatman’s birthday. I felt it was appropriate, since I wouldn’t be doing any of this without her. I’ll be doing a book signing/launch at the coffee house in Chicago that was our hangout.

My plan is to release the second book, on grieving friends who died of AIDS, on Dec. 1, with subsequent titles in the series released every other month through 2013.

As soon as they’re confirmed, I’ll list additional information – reviews, book signings, etc. – here on this blog. New resources – on and offline – will also be added in the next few weeks.

And after the first of the year, there will be a redesign of the whole blog/website, but let’s get through the holidays first. J

Your feedback is always welcome and appreciated. If you have an opinion about something I wrote, please comment. If you’d like to share a story about a friend of yours who died, email me. If you know of someone who would benefit from what we discuss here, share this link. As always, remember that I’m not a medical professional, and this blog is never intended to be a substitute for therapeutic help.

One of the terrific aspects of this new career of mine is that I believe I have a deeper appreciation of my friends. I find myself reaching out, sometimes self-consciously, in ways that often surprise me.

For example: I don’t have a picture of myself with Delle, just the two of us. I have pictures where we’re with a group, but no picture of just us. We were always the ones taking pictures and never thought to include ourselves. I regret that a lot.

Last Friday I asked the wife of a friend of mine to take my picture with him. I have lots of pictures of him, but again, none of just the two of us. I was a little embarrassed to ask, but I got over it.

I don’t know if anyone can live their life without regretting things they didn’t do. But I’m trying more and more to risk that momentary embarrassment: to pose for that picture, to make that phone call, to say ‘I love you’ while I can.

Try it. You’ll be glad you did.