Letting Your Friend Die

benawyn.wordpress.com

I think most people agree that everyone has the right to make decisions about their health. No one wants to be forced to have medical procedures they don’t want. And who wouldn’t want to decide their own end-of-life care?

But theory can be very different from practice, especially when it comes to our friends.

I remember when my friend, Delle Chatman, announced she was discontinuing treatment for yet another recurrence of ovarian cancer. Before that, she’d led us to expect miracles each time it came back. But after a month of treatments, she emailed her friends to say her body couldn’t take anymore. Everyone agreed in theory that the decision was her right. But that didn’t mean we weren’t angry. Yes, it was her decision, but no one wanted her to go.

Recently, a Facebook post to members of ACT UP NY told the story of a man who’d decided to stop taking his AIDS meds, knowing full well that he’d die. The reactions of his friends ranged from sadness to anger to outright rejection. He was lucky to have a friend who drove him cross-country, so he could die surrounded by a few people who supported his right to make that decision.

He didn’t go peacefully, as Delle did. He lashed out at those who rejected him, who tried to talk some “sense” into him. I don’t blame him.

Did they commit suicide? I don’t know. I guess in the strictest sense, they did. But this wasn’t making a decision to end your life without telling anyone.

This was different: they told everyone that they were refusing further medical treatment. They’d struggled for years with painful treatments and toxic drug regimens. They made the decision we believe they had the right to make.

And boy, were we pissed off.

The classic movie The Big Chill is about a reunion of college friends at the funeral of one of their group who committed suicide. Their responses range from shock to anger to guilt. Some of them felt they could’ve stopped Alex from killing himself if they’d only known he was considering it. They believed they had that kind of power over their friends: to keep them alive.

They were wrong.

No one wants to watch their friends die. No one wants to get that call or email, or read the news on Facebook. We expect to outlive our parents. Who expects to outlive their friends?

But the sad truth is that sometimes we do. It’s not that our friends don’t love us, or believe that we love them. But the heartbreaking decision they make is one that is their right: theirs, not ours.

Let’s be honest: we’re being selfish when we argue with them to change their minds. We don’t want to let go of them, no matter the physical cost. We want more time, more fun, more memories. Who wouldn’t?

Except…

Sometimes the best way, the only way, we can love our friends is to let them go. Let them make the hardest decision they’ve ever made without feeling guilty for upsetting us. Let them take some control in a life that has become, for them, unbearable.

You may be in this kind of situation one day: your friend has announced they’re stopping their medical treatment, a decision that will hasten their death. What will you do?

Will you try to take control, convince them to change their mind?

Will you scream and curse when they refuse?

Will you cut off all contact until and unless they come to their senses?

You’ll want to do all that and more, believe me.

But don’t – don’t let their last memory of you be of your anger and disapproval. Instead, put your pain aside, and let them know that even though you don’t agree, you’re there for them. You didn’t always agree before then, did you? Of course not, but you stayed friends.

Prove just how good a friend you are.

Let go.

 

 

What A Death Café is All About

Dan Bulf and I recently facilitated our second Death Café in the Chicago area, this time in the near north suburb of Evanston. It was a huge success, just in terms of numbers: more than double what we expected.

Our next one will be held August 19 in a larger space, at the Evanston Public Library. That one’s filling up very quickly, too. We will undoubtedly have to cut off registrations soon, especially because of the great press coverage we’ve received. REGISTRATION IS NOW CLOSED.

Here is a terrific article by Jessica Reynolds in this weekend’s Chicago Tribune. It gives you a real sense of what it’s like to be there: the conversation, the emotion, the camaraderie.

You can sign up for our mailing list, and be the first notified about future Death Café events in the Chicago area.

For more background on the Death Café movement around the world, just check out Jon Underwood’s site.

These are conversations that are often much-avoided and long overdue. What are you waiting for?

 

Dying Matters 2012

Most people will do anything to avoid those end-of-life conversations. Who wants to talk about ‘extraordinary means’, much less who’s going to get your grandmother’s jewelry?

But doing so when we are able to not just discuss these issues but make decisions is something important for us all.

The Dying Matters Coalition was founded in London in 2009 “to support changing knowledge, attitudes and behaviours towards death, dying and bereavement, and through this to make ‘living and dying well’ the norm". It has 16,000 members (full disclosure: I’m one).

May 14-20 is Dying Matters Awareness Week. You may see stories pop up on TV and the Internet that will personify this year’s theme “Small Actions, Big Differences”.

It’s a great theme, because it explains those end-of-life conversations so well. Making decisions now about the kind of care you want will make a big difference not only to you, but to your family and friends.

Procrastinators do no favors for those left behind. The survivors will have a mess to clean up when you’re gone. But the worst part for them will be standing in a hospital corridor, talking to a doctor and admitting “I have no idea what they’d want.” They’ll have to guess, and they have a 50/50 chance of being wrong.

You probably have a clear idea of what you want, even though you’ve never articulated it. Because most likely, you know the kind of death you don’t want. Start with that.

Dying Matters website is a great source of information and forms to get you started. Yes, it’s a terribly uncomfortable and difficult subject to broach. But it’s important that everyone’s wishes for a “good death” are honored. And the only way that can happen is if they’re shared

You can also find Dying Matters on Facebook Dying Matters and on Twitter @DyingMatters

Online Resources: Dying Matters

Despite all the hysteria about ‘death panels’, there is a critical need for each and every one of us to thoughtfully consider end-of-life plans. It’s an uncomfortable subject for most people. But avoiding the subjects of where we want to spend our final days and how, what kind of services we want held, and how we want to be remembered will not make them go away.

Dying Matters is a UK-based nonprofit coalition. This is from their website:

“In 2009 the National Council for Palliative Care (NCPC) set up the Dying Matters Coalition to promote public awareness of dying, death and bereavement. Our members include organisations from across the NHS, voluntary and independent  health and care sectors (including hospices, care homes, charities supporting old people, children and bereavement); social care and housing sectors;  a wide range of faith organisations; community organisations; schools and colleges; academic bodies; trade unions; the legal profession and the funeral sector.

The Coalition’s Mission is “to support changing knowledge, attitudes and behaviours towards death, dying and bereavement, and through this to make ‘living and dying well’ the norm". This will involve a fundamental change in society in which dying, death and bereavement will be seen and accepted as the natural part of everybody’s life cycle.

Changes in the way society views dying and death have impacted on the experience of people who are dying and bereaved. Our lack of openness has affected the quality and range of support and care services available to patients and families. It has also affected our ability to die where or how we would wish.
The Dying Matters Coalition is working to address this by encouraging people to talk about their wishes towards the end of their lives, including where they want to die and their funeral plans with friends, family and loved ones.”

May 16-22 is “Dying Matters Awareness Week”. On their website, www.dyingmatters.org, you will find materials and resources for helping make those important decisions: for yourself, your family and even your friends.

Pledge to never again say “I didn’t know what they wanted.”