Not Another Post about Robin Williams

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I was just about to post last week when television, radio and the internet exploded with news of Robin Williams’ death. I’ve posted here about how and why we grieve when a celebrity dies. And I decided I didn’t want to write another blog post about celebrities.

But the topic I’d intended to share suddenly didn’t seem very important. I couldn’t stop thinking about Robin Williams. I’ve been a fan since “Mork and Mindy”. I have friends who worked and played with him, who are devastated. So I still could’ve written about him. I mean, why not? Everybody else has.

Like many of you reading this, I know people who have committed suicide. One was a high school classmate. One was a girl who lived next door when I was growing up. Another was the husband of a family friend. Each situation was very different. But my reaction when I’m told of the suicide of a friend is almost always the same: delusional.

Why delusional? Because – like the friends who gathered for Alex’s funeral in The Big Chill – I immediately assume I could’ve made a difference. “You think you can keep everyone jolly?” one of them demands. Not exactly, but I think most people, when told a friend committed suicide, will feel some level of survivor guilt.

It’s not the survivor guilt of someone who lost friends on 9/11 or from AIDS or on the battlefield: “Why did they die and I lived?”

It’s the survivor guilt of “Why couldn’t I stop them?”

I’m not going to offer some dime store version of therapy and suggest that if you’d been a better friend and kept in touch with them that that would’ve made the difference. I’m not arrogant enough to believe that I can understand what goes through a person’s mind as they contemplate suicide. But I’m pretty sure the reasons are more profound than “she didn’t return my phone call”.

What I will say instead is this: suicide leaves a long trail of broken hearts – not just family, but friends. It incites grief and guilt and overwhelming anger.

I’m a little early, but September is National Suicide Prevention Month. If you ask me, it should be every month.

There is help out there. There really, truly is help out there. And here’s where you can find some:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Stop Soldier Suicide

Memorial Day and Stop Soldier Suicide

For the past couple years, we’ve been hearing about the epidemic of suicide among veterans (mostly in the US, though it’s not limited to our country). The statistic most often heard is that 22 veterans commit suicide each and every day: hundreds every month, thousands every year. One active duty soldier also commits suicide every day: more than are killed in action.

In the course of writing Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends I was shocked to discover that that number is inaccurate. It came from a Department of Defense study that included data from only 22 states (and before you ask ‘why?’, I haven’t found the answer yet). That means you can reasonably assume that the number is actually closer to 50 a day.

I think everyone agrees that that either number is unacceptable. Why is suicide on the rise for our veterans? That requires a long discussion about family dysfunction, substance abuse, genetics, unrealistic expectations of military life, easy access to guns, PTSD, etc. It’s an important discussion, but for now, I’d like to introduce you to an organization that is doing what they can to prevent more suicides, Stop Soldier Suicide:

While on active duty, our now-CEO Brian Kinsella encountered military suicide firsthand. Within a few months of his first assignment, one of his own Soldiers attempted to take her own life. The suicide attempt was unsuccessful, but it made a lasting impact. Later, a fellow Soldier took his life only days before a deployment and Brian knew something had to be done.

Concerned about the mental health implications of military service and the increasing military Service member suicide rate, Brian, along with two Veteran friends, Nick Black and Craig Gridelli, founded Stop Soldier Suicide in 2010.

Brian Kinsella

Kinsella is a quiet but impressive man, who, along with his friends, is taking a thorough and very thoughtful approach to stopping the epidemic. Theirs is an organization made up of veterans – all volunteer except for the first employee they hired in 2013, COO Brian Buscher, a former Marine.

Theirs is a triage approach, as described on their website:

1. Initial Contact: Active and Veteran Service members contact us through a local chapter, our Facebook page, a 24-hour hotline or chat feature (via our Contact Center coming soon) or other partner organizations.

2. Assess & Triage: We talk with the person or family member contacting us to determine the urgency of the care needed and the right course to take. It’s important for us to understand the situation so we can get the best help available, the RIGHT help, for the Soldier or Veteran.

3. Transition & Follow up: We connect the person in need to one of many resources, whether that be mental health professionals, local chapter support, partner organizations or other resources that can provide care and assistance.

The benefit to this approach is obvious: Stop Soldier Suicide is not the VA or a mental health organization. They partner with government agencies and nonprofits to provide support to those who contact them without long wait times. It’s an independent organization made of people just like those who have reached the point where they believe suicide is their best and only option: It’s made up of veterans who have been there, done that. They speak the same language. That’s critical, because it’s beyond the experience of civilians to truly understand what our veterans have endured.

Memorial Day is not about living veterans. It’s about those who have made the ultimate sacrifice to ensure our freedoms. We honor them on that day, and always should.

But how about if we do everything we can to ensure that our veterans do not take their own lives? How about if we help those who are working tirelessly to reduce that 22-a-day number?

On this Memorial Day weekend, don’t just share pictures of flags and cemeteries on Facebook. Consider donating to Stop Soldier Suicide.

And maybe, just maybe, you’ll help lower that number to zero.

Coming Soon from Friend Grief

It’s very busy in my house: spring cleaning, office reorganization and the next book in the Friend Grief series about to be published. So I thought this is a good time to let you know what’s coming in the next couple months:

I’ll be in the first AuthorHub at Book Expo America, May 29-31. It’s a special area for self-published authors, and includes such superstars as Hugh Howey. (I’m definitely not in his league, but it’s nice to bask in the glow.) If you’re attending, please stop by and say hi!

Here on Friend Grief during May, leading up to the next book’s publication, I’ll have a series of posts on people and organizations I’ve met during the research, including Stop Soldier Suicide, American Women Veterans and the National Veterans Art Museum. My hope is that you, too, will be motivated to help them and their cause in whatever way you can.

I’ll also be guest blogging on a number of sites next month, and I’ll share those links with you soon.

Like my books on AIDS and 9/11, there’s a wealth of information out there for people in the military: books, films, organizations doing important work that helps those who have lost a friend in battle. Some are listed in the book, but more will be available here and on my Pinterest page.

In June, I’ll be signing at Printers Row Lit Fest and Chicagoland Authors Promoting Success. If you’re in Chicago either of those weekends, I hope you’ll stop by and meet some terrific writers.

July 1^st I’m launching my first email newsletter for my readers. Sign-up info coming soon!

Lastly, and most important, Friend Grief and the Military: Band of Friends will be released on Memorial Day. It will be available, of course, in paperback and e-book. You’ll be able to find it on IndieBound, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo and iBookstore. I’m pleased to share this synopsis (the cover design will be revealed soon):

“They were killing my friends.”

That was how Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy justified his heroic actions in World War II. As long as there have been wars, men and women in the military have watched their friends die. Experts warn that delaying our grief will complicate our lives. But what about those who have no choice but to delay it until the battle is over?

In Friend Grief and The Military: Band of Friends you’ll meet military and non-combatants who struggle with the grief and guilt of losing their friends. You’ll learn, too, in the amazing ways they help each other, that “leave no one behind” is a life-long commitment.

Like they say, stay tuned. There is more excitement in the works that I can’t wait to share with you!

National Suicide Prevention Month

September is National Suicide Prevention Month, and if it seems like suicide is in the news more lately, there’s a reason for it. The numbers (not just awareness) are up and three groups of people seem most at risk: teenagers, military and Baby Boomers.

We’ve known that teenagers are at risk for suicide for a long time. Raging hormones, pressure from parents and school, drugs and alcohol make a deadly combination. But a large number of suicides of teenagers – and even pre-teens – can be traced to bullying.

Kids whose only crime is being different or being sensitive or smart or small for their age are hounded by bullies: on the school bus, on the internet, even getting text messages like ‘why aren’t you dead yet?’ Some of the bullies are anonymous; some are kids they know. What they’re doing is reprehensible, but not a crime.

A shocking report found that more active duty military committed suicide than died in action in 2012. In addition, many veterans of Iraq, Afghanistan and Vietnam are victims of the VA’s backlog of cases, unable to get the mental health treatment they’ve earned and deserve. Suicides have been steadily rising for years, and not just in the US. Military officials in the UK and Israel have reported similar findings.

But, Baby Boomers? Not the group you might imagine turning to suicide. But information is starting to come out that this is a fast-rising risk group. Some are veterans. Some are people who have decided that they are unable to face an uncertain old age: depleted savings, poor health, lack of resources.

I’ve been depressed and even in despair. But I’ve never considered suicide as an option. It’s hard to believe that people can see taking their own life as their best option, but many do. Not all are successful, but those are the ones we hear about.

There are groups devoted to helping people climb out of their despair and keep living. I’ve listed a couple here.

The important thing is to reach out to any friend you may believe is at risk. Talk to them, but more importantly, listen. Do what you can and help them find the support they need.

That’s what friends are for.

 

 

Stop Soldier Suicide

National Suicide Hotlines