Friends, Calendars and Facebook

Happy birthday, Mare

I used to be very diligent about recording birthdays on my calendar. Every year, I’d get a new datebook and wall calendar, and the first thing I’d do is list birthdays of friends and family. Somehow I got out of that habit.

When I was addressing Christmas cards the other day, I paged through my address book (yes, I still have an actual address book). Every time I turned to a new page, I said to myself “he’s dead” or “she’s dead” or “they’re both dead”. I don’t know about you, but I can’t bring myself to get a new address book. That would mean not putting in names of friends and family who are no longer with us. Stupid, I know, but I guess I like the reminders when I open it up. This year, though, it seemed like there were a lot fewer people getting cards from me.

Facebook has been a great help, for those times I’ve forgotten about someone’s birthday. In “Events”, the birthdays of my Facebook friends are listed. I’m warned a week in advance and the day before. Sometimes I’m ahead of the game, sometimes I have an “oh, shit” reaction to having forgotten.

The day before, I get a reminder that the next day is someone’s birthday. That’s what happened yesterday, when Facebook reminded me that Christmas Eve is Mary Ellen’s birthday. I didn’t need reminding; it’s not the kind of date that anyone’s likely to forget. The problem is that Mary Ellen died in February.

Why did I get the reminder? Because her Facebook page is still here. No one had posted on it since right after her death, but this morning, the page is filling up with birthday wishes. The grief felt by those left behind is obviously still very raw, but the love is stronger.

The holidays are a time of reflection, no matter your religious persuasion. Take a few minutes this week and drag out that address book (or check it on your phone), scroll through your friends list on Facebook. Raise a glass to those who died recently or those who are long gone. And vow to keep their memory alive for another year.

Setting Up A Facebook Tribute Page for Your Friend

Families have an advantage when someone dies. It sounds weird, doesn’t it? But it’s true.

They have legal rights. Society views them as the primary mourners. Most people will take their cues from the family, as far as appropriate ways to mourn.

But what about you? What about the friends?

Social media – Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn – are part of our lives. Some people are more invested in it than others, for social and/or business reasons. But it affects most of us in some way.

So it stands to reason that the subject of expressing our grief online would be a topic of discussion and controversy: Should a death be announced online? That debate has been brewing for a while and won’t go away anytime soon.

The issue is a touchy one, especially for those unsure about how to use social media in a respectful way.

Facebook and Twitter in particular are great for spreading information quickly. I’ve learned about friends who were in accidents, had surgery, and yes, who died. And while seeing the news on my computer screen was jarring and upsetting, it would have been jarring and upsetting had I found out by phone, mass email, or in person.

So I was delighted to read an article that actually gives thoughtful guidelines about setting up a Facebook tribute page. That’s a page devoted to a person who has died – often a friend – giving people a chance to express their feelings in a safe group setting.

As Steve Jacobsen, Executive Director of Hospice of Santa Barbara acknowledges:

“These online tributes can be powerful tools for bereaved people to communicate with each other and to act as a bridge with others.”

But how to do that in a way that respects your friend, as well as their friends and family? Among the “do’s and don’ts”, Jacobson’s organization offers these tips:

Post a link to your loved one’s memorial page on your page. Sometimes it can take a while before news reaches people’s ears, so posting the link to their memorial wall will let you sensitively announce their death and encourage people to express their grief. (A terrific solution to the shock of seeing the announcement pop up in your news feed)

If the deceased had a friend or relative you did not get along with, do not make rude or aggressive comments towards that person on your loved one’s Facebook wall. (Seems obvious, but in our grief, we can say things we shouldn’t)

There is definitely a generational issue here, as far as deeming this appropriate. But online grieving – including Facebook memorial pages – is not going away anytime soon.

Where do you stand?

 

You can read the entire article, with more thoughtful suggestions, in the Santa Barbara Independent.

And here are a wide range of opinions on online grieving from USA Today, Mourning Becomes Electric.

Dying: There’s an App for That

It had to happen sooner or later.

Remember Murder She Wrote and other mystery TV shows and movies? Someone - usually a wealthy, mean, vindictive person - leaves a video for viewing by his/her survivors. There are shocking revelations - perhaps motive for that person’s murderer?

Well, Facebook - recognizing how digitally addicted we all are - has a new app: “If I Die”.

I love that name: “If I Die” - like we have a choice. J

Here’s an article from today’s Chicago Tribune:

Facebook "If I Die" App

It’s a great idea for control freaks (like me). You control what your final Facebook status update will be. You create a video to be posted when (sorry, it’s when not if) you die. Three Facebook friends have to confirm your demise before it can be posted.

Here’s the Facebook app:

"If I Die"

I guess there really is an app for everything.

Grieving Online

The Internet allows people around the world to communicate 24/7, though not always for the better.  We are besieged by texts, tweets, posts and comments from people we know and people we don’t want to know.  There is no expectation of privacy.

How then to account for the use of the internet for expressing something as private and personal as grief?

My high school class started a Yahoo group after 9/11, to share information on memorial service plans for our classmate, Carol Demitz.  The group lives on, and now shares news of other classmates’ deaths, as well as happy news:  births of grandchildren, marriages, plans for social outings.  Its initial purpose may have been fulfilled 9 years ago, but the desire to remain connected remains.

Newspapers routinely allow online readers to post remembrances on the death notices page.  These posts remain online for a set amount of time, and are opportunities for people to pay their respects to the family of the person who has died.  Because they are not interactive, there is no opportunity for those who are grieving to connect with each other.

Facebook has changed all that.  While there is an occasional page devoted to an event that resulted in multiple deaths (9/11, for example), most of these pages are created to memorialize one specific person.  Sometimes a parent creates the page to keep their child’s memory alive, but also to keep in contact with the child’s friends.  Sometimes it’s not a family member, but a friend who does this.  Facebook enables those who post or comment to become a community.  Friends can share stories of their friend, as well as their struggles as they mourn.  Those people – who may not have ever met “irl” (in real life) – are now connected in their shared grief.

These are not formal bereavement groups in the traditional sense, where professional leads a group of mourners.  These sites are rarely “led” by a professional.  They spring up spontaneously and often become inactive as those who mourn begin to heal.

One can argue that Facebook creates artificial community; not real because contact is not face to face.  And certainly the term “friend” has been used loosely, to define someone – possibly a stranger – who knows all about you.  But it has also created a way for those who mourn, but may be separated by distance to connect with those who share their grief for a very special person.

I will post more on this in a few weeks.  A doctoral dissertation is being written on just this topic, and the author has generously offered to share her research.

Have you ever posted on a friend’s Facebook memorial page?

Friday:  The Concert for George