Running - or Walking - to Remember Your Friend

On Sunday I participated in the Our House “Run for Hope”. I didn’t actually run; I walked 2.7 miles.

Our House is a terrific grief support center in West Los Angeles. Their work with adults and children is important and life-changing. I was glad to support their event, and my friend, Fredda Wasserman, who works for them.

Everyone who walked or ran got a t-shirt. When you registered, you had the option of personalizing your shirt so everyone would know who you were honoring. I opted not to: I couldn’t decide on only one person.

As I walked the route, I made note of why people were there. “I’m running for…” the backs of their t-shirts read, with a name, relationship and photo.

There were lots of families and groups, babies in strollers and one woman in a wheelchair, creating an unusually festive mood for what could’ve been a very somber occasion.

People ran in memory of parents and children, siblings and grandparents (even a couple great-grandparents), aunts and uncles, spouses (and one ex-husband). I didn’t expect to see so many people running for their friends.

 

I noticed one group in particular. A sign on the route mentioned Ro, and there were maybe a dozen or so who wore her picture on their backs, listed as ‘friend’ or ‘neighbor’. I asked one woman if she worked with Ro. No, she said, a neighbor. But her whole face lit up at the mention of her friend’s name. We are two weeks from the first anniversary of Ro’s death, and I’m sure the timing of the Run for Hope was important to them.

 

Me? I walked for my friend, Delle, and I walked for my father. I walked for my friends who have died this year, and those who are long gone. Too many to fit on the back of a t-shirt.

Maybe you’re struggling with a way to honor a friend who died. A walk/run on a beautiful Sunday morning is a nice way to remember them. You don’t need a big group with you: your friend will be right at your side.

 

Why I Started Friend Grief

I started this blog 6 months ago, so I thought it was a good time to look back and take stock.

I’ve learned a lot about the technical joys and frustrations of blogging.

I’ve learned a lot about the challenges of trying to stick out in an online world of blogs on every conceivable topic. This is what I wrote in my first post on February 1:

Welcome to Friend Grief.  It's here to raise awareness of a powerful experience in all of our lives:  the death of a friend.  Millions of people each year suffer the pain of a friend's death, and many of them suffer more because those around them don't respect their grief. 

The people who are part of Friend Grief have all been there, done that. In the coming weeks, you will meet some more of them. Some of them are real people; others are characters in books and plays and films.

I also hope that bereavement professionals will read this blog and ensure that their services are specifically welcoming to not just family, but friends.  Those who grieve are not defined by the legality of their relationship, but the depth of their love.

That still holds as well. I’ve contacted hospices and grief support groups in the US and other countries, and while most say friends are welcome to their open groups, none have groups just for friends.

Friend Grief is here for you, and your suggestions for topics or resources are always welcome. Feel free to email me at victorianoe@friendgrief.com.

A Support Group Just for Friends

Grief support groups are available in most communities. Some are affiliated with hospitals or hospices. Others are programs offered by religious communities or nonprofit organizations.

Most offer an open group for anyone who is grieving. Everyone is welcome, even though they may be experiencing different kinds of losses (such as spouse, child, parent, friend or pet

But not everyone is comfortable in a general grief support group. They may be the only one mourning a spouse, or they may feel that others in the group don’t understand that their dog was their only companion. People – rightly or wrongly – make comparisons about the level of grief they experience: “mine is worse than yours”. So specialized support groups were formed.

There are groups for those who have been widowed and those who have been widowed at a young age. There are groups for those who have lost a child or a parent or a sibling. There are groups for those who have lost a pet.

An article in the July 24 New York Times tells of a man who lost his wife of 53 years, but didn’t go to the support group for those who lost a spouse because he would’ve been the only man. Men in his generation, he said, aren’t used to expressing their feelings in front of women.

So he did what he needed to do: he started a group for widowers, a place where men can talk about their grief with others who understand it.

Did you attend a support group when your friend died?

If not, did your unwillingness come from the belief that those grieving family members wouldn’t respect your grief as “legitimate”?

Like I said, I’ve never seen a group just for friends. Until we can get those going, consider Friend Grief your support group.

Should You “Un-Friend” Dead Facebook Friends?

I don’t do much on LinkedIn, at least not at this point in my life. But I regularly get requests from people I know – and don’t know – to connect. One of them is an old friend of my husband’s…who’s dead.

I’m not sure his family knows about the account, as LinkedIn tends to be strictly business-oriented. And I’m not sure how to bring it up. But it’s a little unnerving to see his name pop up now and then.

Facebook, I’ve found out, actually has a policy on accounts held by people who have died. Family members can permanently remove a page. They also have the option of converting it to a “memorial” page, which allows friends to continue to leave messages on it.

Some people find the ability to share information online – and indeed grieve online – to be a blessing. It can be a way for people from all parts of someone’s life to come together to remember them.

The etiquette, according to advice columnist Amy Dickinson in a July 5^th Denver Post article, “Facebook and the New Face of Grieving”, is evolving. Like many other situations, technology presents opportunities and complications at the same time.

Which brings me back to the title of this post: I was part of a Facebook group that tracked the health of a friend who was dying of brain cancer. He’s been dead for several months now, and the group is still prominent on my page, though inactive. Should I leave the group? Should I leave it up, as a reminder of a wonderful friend and the friends who loved him? For now, at least, it’s the latter, not because I’m likely to ever forget him, but because it’s nice to remember him, too.

To read the entire article:

http://www.denverpost.com/lifestyles/ci_18406452

Social Media Day - Grieving Your Friend Online

Yahoo

Twitter

Facebook

MySpace

YouTube

Blogger

The internet has become such a pervasive element in society – and in our lives – that it was inevitable that grief should find its way online.

The Yahoo group my high school classmates started after 9/11 is still going strong, though its purpose has changed.

My friend, Joe, started a Facebook group to keep friends up to date on the health of his partner, Dennis, who died a few months ago.

There are Twitter accounts that exist to inform the world about deaths of celebrities.

Blogs and websites are devoted to grief support.

Is civilization better off with these resources?

As much as I’m tempted to say “no”, I have to say yes. The ability of the internet to connect people not just with each other, but with resources, is staggering. People who may not be comfortable expressing their grief in a traditional grief support group can find websites that allow them to do so in a less public way. Less public? Definitely, because even though nothing’s truly private on the internet, grieving online means never having to face people. Not everyone’s ready or comfortable doing that.

In the coming days, a new page will pop up here: “Resources”. It will list books, films, TV shows, websites and organizations that relate to the experience of grieving the death of a friend. All websites and organizations will be vetted by me, so you can be assured that they are legitimate and helpful. Others will be introduced here in the coming months.

Obviously, some are online resources, some are “IRL” – “in real life”. In the long run, the source is not important. What matters is that you find the support and solace you deserve.

Are Friends Considered "Loved Ones"?

I got a request today for a referral to a grief support group for friends.

Now, I’ve been doing some occasional research on this for about six months now. My completely unscientific results so far have shown that very, very few grief support groups specifically (that is, in their literature) welcome friends.

Why is that?

I asked the Executive Director of a well-known agency in Chicago, and she insisted that their general grief support groups welcome friends. When I reminded her that the group description mentions loved ones, she insisted that that included friends.

“I’ve never thought ‘loved ones’ meant ‘friends’,” I told her. She was surprised. She assumed that – because she believed it – that everyone accepted that friends are in fact loved ones.

When I responded to today’s request, I realized that I could only recall one organization (I believe in the UK) that had a grief support group specifically for friends.

So, where to go?

If you know of a support group for grieving friends, or if you have attended one, I’d love to hear from you.

"Do You Need Any Help?"

When someone dies, most people have good intentions. They want to mourn, they want to remember. And they want to help those who are grieving themselves.

Often, when you grieve the death of a friend, the focus is on their family. They are the “primary” mourners. They are the ones who get the most sympathy. And families do deserve sympathy and support.

The standard question is, “do you need any help?” Now that’s not always the best thing to ask. For one, it puts the burden on the griever to identify and express that need. They may not be thinking clearly enough to do that. It can also come off as insincere, as if the person asking is hoping the answer is no.

Even so, it is a reaching out, however imperfect, to those who grieve.

But who asks the friends?

Sometime the death of a friend can cause paralyzing grief, the kind where you wander around the house, not able to focus or think.

Maybe you were lucky. When your friend died, maybe those around you asked how they could help you. Most likely, they didn’t.

If you know someone who’s grieving the death of a friend, acknowledge it. Ask if there’s something you can do to help. Better yet, suggest something you are willing and able to do, the most important thing of all: listen.

Ask them to tell you about their friend.

It will mean the world to them.

Do it.

Spreading the News Online

I have a friend who’s dying.  His partner set up a closed Facebook group to keep a group of friends and family up to date.

What resulted in the past two weeks is an outpouring of love for both of them.  One friend flew to Chicago from Seattle, another from Dallas.  Others visited, called, posted on the Facebook group page.

Visitors can be tiring, especially for someone close to death.  But to be there when he had a burst of energy on Saturday was a true gift.

Had it not been for Facebook, it would’ve been much less likely that we would’ve all been informed.  The ease of sending messages and setting up groups or pages means that the caregiver can notify dozens or hundreds of people in the time it takes to notify one.

The Yahoo group my high school classmates started after one of the class died on 9/11 is still growing strong almost 10 years later.  Its original purpose – to inform the class about memorial services and discuss ideas for a class gift in her memory – morphed into something very special.  It’s now the main conduit for keeping in touch, spreading news about births, deaths, jobs, etc.

There is a lot to criticize about online social media sites and their propensity for sucking up hours of your life in the pursuit of mindless trivia.  But for caregivers, family and friends, it can be a cost-effective, time-efficient way to share important information about a loved one who is dying, or has died.

Depending on the people involved, Yahoo, Twitter, Facebook, Caring Bridge, email or blogs may be the most appropriate way to contact people.  In fact, being in charge of notifying people is a great assignment for a close friend who wants to do something meaningful.

So often we ask “what can I do?” and the person we’re asking is too overwhelmed to think of anything.  If you have a friend who’s dying, offer to help them by setting up and maintaining an online group of family and friends.