The Next Friend Grief Book

“Families only.”

Those who were killed on September 11, 2001 left behind more than family members. They left thousands of friends who are often forgotten and ignored: co-workers, first responders, neighbors and survivors who struggle to find a way to grieve the friends killed when the World Trade Center towers fell. In Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners you’ll learn how they adjust to life without their friends and find ways to honor those they lost on a clear, blue Tuesday.

 

It’s been two years since I wrote a post here about what became the basis of this book: the hierarchy of grief in the 9/11 community. But let’s be honest: does the world need another book about 9/11? As it turns out, the answer is yes.

We hear a lot about the families, and rightly so. I would never dismiss their grief. But many people are forgotten, ignored, and even officially excluded from the ceremonies each year: friends.

Some of them were not in New York that day. Some of them are survivors. They escaped the Twin Towers, but lost co-workers and friends. Some suffer ill health – physical and mental – because of that experience. All of them deserve their grief acknowledged and respected.

You’ll hear stories about that day from men and women who worked for companies in the World Trade Center, as well as first responders like former NYPD Deputy Commissioner of Operations (now Chicago Police Superintendent) Garry McCarthy. And you’ll learn that many people have found a new purpose to their lives: changing careers, volunteering, even starting nonprofit organizations like Mychal’s Message and Tails of Courage, in memory of their friends.

Still think you’ve heard it all? Prepare to be surprised.

 

 

 

The e-book versions of Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners will be released next week (Kobo, Amazon, Nook), on the 12th anniversary of the attacks in New York, Pennsylvania and Washington, DC; paperback will be available the following week.

Friend Grief Wants You

gabrielweinberg.com

I’m currently researching and interviewing people for books in the Friend Grief series. Many of you have stories about grieving a friend, stories that are important – not just to you, but to others.

Your experience can help other people who are struggling with their own grief, often in private because those around them don’t understand.

I’m looking for people in the following situations:

           
            You’re active duty military or a veteran and a comrade died.

            You’re a first responder and one of your co-workers died.

You live in a religious community (convent, monastery, etc.) and one of your members died.

A friend of yours died on 9/11 (you don’t have to be a co-worker or survivor of the attacks).

            A friend you worked with (recent or in the past) died.

You did something very specific in your friend’s memory: started a nonprofit, made a donation, carried on their work or made changes in your own life.

You were part of a group of friends that either strengthened or fell apart after the death of one of them.

            You sought counseling after a friend died. Did you find appropriate counseling or not?

If you fit any of these descriptions, I’d love to hear from you. I can email you some questions to answer, or we can talk/chat online. You can write it down yourself in your own way.

All responses will be considered for inclusion in my books, but you are always allowed to respond anonymously.

The first book in the Friend Grief series, Friend Grief and Anger: When Your Friend Dies and No One Gives A Damn, will be out in all ebook formats shortly; print version later this month. The second book, Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends, will be published next month. Watch the “Books” page for purchasing information as well as upcoming book signings.

And thank you in advance to anyone willing to share their stories with me.

 

Friend Grief and Survivor Guilt

realwarriors.net

It’s a situation no one wants to find themselves in, but if you are a first responder or in the military, it’s likely. For some unfortunate people who are not in those professions, it can be even more devastating.

In David Halberstam’s book The Firehouse, he recounts the story of his neighborhood firehouse, near Lincoln Center on New York’s upper west side. On September 11, 2001, thirteen firefighters raced to the scene of the World Trade Center attack. One returned. The only reason he survived is that a photographer saw his arm sticking out of the rubble at Ground Zero. Not only did he suffer from guilt, but some people hated him for surviving: why him and not one of the others?

Suicide is a growing issue, in the military and among first responders. Grief mixed with survivor guilt is a significant component of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Men and women (mostly young) who put their lives on the line every day are used to being in danger. But when a comrade dies in the line of duty, they are often ill-prepared for the grief that hardens into survivor guilt.

You’d think that these are people who will mourn the deaths of their colleagues and move on. Danger and death are part of the job description. They take some comfort in grieving rituals. We see the impressive parades, dress uniforms, bagpipes, black and purple bunting. But those rituals are public, and are over within days.

What we don’t see – and don’t think about – is the guilt they carry, the feeling they can’t shake that they could somehow have prevented their friend’s death. They may even believe they should’ve died instead of their friend.

What a terrible way to live: so terrible that suicide may feel like their best option.

Survivor guilt is not limited to these specific professions. People who survived natural disasters, or terrorist attacks, car accidents or the early days of the AIDS epidemic can also feel crushing guilt for having survived.

“Why am I alive, instead of them?”

Next week we’ll look at some attempts to answer that question.

I Might Want to Interview You

Despite the holidays, I'm currently researching the third and fourth books in the Friend Grief series. One is on the experience of grieving the death of a friend in community, the other in the workplace. Part of that research is interviewing men and women who have gone through this.

There are several demographics I’m interested in:

Police

Firefighters

Medical personnel (all levels, but not those who work in a doctor’s office)

Nuns

Performing artists (musicians, actors, dancers, singers)

Monks

Military

Senior citizens

The criteria for all demographics are the same:

They must have experienced the death of a friend they worked with (except senior citizens – for that group it’s a friend they lived with in a retirement community).

They need not be currently working at that job.

They must be willing to discuss that experience.

Interviews will be conducted from January-March, 2013 (by phone, email, snail mail, in person)

 

If you fit the criteria, or know someone who does, I’d love to hear from you! Please email me at victorianoe@friendgrief.com. If you’re in Chicago, St. Louis, New York, or Los Angeles, I’ll be doing face-to-face interviews as much as possible.

Thanks in advance for your help!

 

 

 

Writing About Depressing Stuff

I’ve written before about how writing about grief can affect you, but I think it’s worth revisiting, in a little broader sense.

There are people who cringe when I tell them what most of my writing is about. I understand their feeling that grief is “depressing”. But there are many whose work could be classified that way:

            Hospice volunteers

            AIDS outreach workers

            Oncologists

            First responders

I had a friend whose job was to fire people in her company (I hate “lay off” – let’s call it what it is). I thought she had an incredibly depressing job, but she didn’t think so. She was so considerate about how she handled each person that they often wound up sympathizing with her.

I’ve also met writers whose memoirs deal with horrific tales of neglect, addiction, abuse and suicide. Yet not one of them seemed unhappy.

What do these people have in common? I think aside from their professions, or book topics, it’s attitude.

They’ve found a way to define themselves as helpers. They use their experience to inform and empower others. They don’t feel sorry for themselves or complain about how hard they have it. They focus on serving people, often on the worst day of their lives.

So, when you watch a tragedy unfold on TV, think of them: the reporters struggling for words, the first responders taking a break and realizing what they just witnessed, the Red Cross volunteers comforting victims.

Their job is a whole lot more depressing than mine, and probably yours, too. But you won’t hear them complain.

Because they’re the ones asking “How can I help you?”

Calling All Girlfriends!



vintagesusie&wings.com

I started out writing my book believing I knew one thing for sure: I’d have no trouble finding women to talk about grieving a friend.

And that was true. But, as I’ve written here before, the men surprised me with their willingness not just to talk: sometimes they offered to talk, unsolicited. As a result, I currently have an imbalance of male/female stories in my book.

Now I’m looking for more women to interview. I’m particularly looking for women who have grieved a friend (male or female) with the following special circumstances:

            You’re a member of a religious community

            You’re a first responder or military

You channeled your grief into action by supporting a cause that either helped your friend or was otherwise important to them.

You experienced the deaths of several friends within a short period of time.

            You used your grief as a catalyst to make changes in your personal or professional life.



Sister of Loretto

If you’re willing to share your story, please email me at victorianoe@friendgrief.com. We can set up an interview online, by phone, or in person. You also have the option of answering a series of questions and emailing them to me.

By doing so, you agree to allow me to use your story in my book, but you always have the option of remaining anonymous.

Don’t want to, but know someone who might? Feel free to pass along this post.

I’m trying to finish interviews by July 1, so the sooner I hear from you, the better.

And know that I’m deeply grateful for your willingness to share your stories with me. Together we can help others who are grieving the deaths of their friends.