Where to Find Friend Grief

Don’t you love autumn? As far as I’m concerned, you can’t have too many sweaters. It feels like everything ramps up in intensity once the school year starts. And so it is with me.

Here are some upcoming events where you can find me:

Oct. 23            I’ll be leading a chat on Twitter from 7-8pn (EDT) for @DeathwDignity. Look for the hashtag #dwdchat. If you’re n ot already following me on Twitter, you can find me                                         @Victoria_Noe.

Oct. 25            If you’re near Rockford, Illinois, I’ll be at the InPrint Book Fair, hosted by the fabulous Rockford group, In Print Writers. Over 30 writers will be at the Mendelsson Performing Arts Center, 405 N. Main St., from 11-4. Join us!

Nov. 5             I’ll be live from 10-11am (EST) on the CHANGES Google+ HOA. If you’re not already following me on Google+, you can find me at Victoria Noe

I’ll be sharing more next week, including:

                        Upcoming guest blogs

                        Readings and book signings

                        Links to new places where you can find the Friend Grief books

Lots of excitement coming soon, so stay tuned!

And most importantly, thanks for following me here and on social media, for your wonderful feedback on my books, and spreading the word. 

I couldn’t do it without you!

Grief Trolls

darkpsychology.co

The internet can be a source of great knowledge. It can bring people together. But there is a dark side, too.

Many people have found Facebook and other social media sites to be helpful as they grieve. Information about a person’s death is easily disseminated, along with funeral arrangements. Its efficiency is a blessing for the families, because it eliminates the need to make dozens of emotional phone calls.

Tribute pages are set up by family and friends, as a way for people to express their grief and share memories of the person who died. Not everyone can attend a funeral or memorial service, and this gives them the opportunity to give comfort to those left behind.

There is a phenomenon called “R.I.P. trolling”. People go onto a page – even a tribute page – often anonymously. They don’t know the person who died. But they post jokes and make fun of the person who died, even celebrating their death. They’re not just on Facebook: you’ve probably seen them on Twitter.

A suburban Chicago couple was warned to stay off the internet after their 15 year old son drowned in Lake Michigan last month: strangers were posting cartoons of people drowning with lots of LOLing.

Facebook issued a statement on R.I.P. trolls:

"Sometimes, just like in the offline world, people can say or do things that are offensive and in extremely poor taste — even in the wake of a terrible tragedy," the statement said. "When this happens, Facebook users are quick to report the offensive content, and we are quick to respond."

If you see this kind of behavior, obviously, report it immediately.

Everyone has the option of limiting who can comment on their Facebook page (I’m limiting the discussion here to Facebook – this happens on Twitter and other social media platforms). But that’s hard to do if it’s your page and you’re dead.

R.I.P. trolls defend themselves by saying they’re countering what they see as insincere condolences posted online by people who didn’t know the deceased.

Really?

It bothers you so much that strangers are offering their condolences that your response is to ridicule the person who died?

I’ve been trying to come up with an opinion I can post here, but I’m not having much luck. Maybe you can find the words.

 

 

Should You Tweet a Friend’s Funeral?

Twitter

In the interest of full disclosure, I have texted from a funeral. I sat by myself in the last pew, at least five rows away from anyone else. I was texting my girlfriend two states away who couldn’t attend. I figured if I didn’t disturb anyone and God didn’t strike me dead, my good intentions were sufficient to justify my behavior.

But I have to admit that when I read Matthew Ingram’s article What I Learned While Live-Tweeting a Friend’s Funeral on Gigaom.com that it gave me pause.

Ingram felt that live-tweeting was a tribute to his friend, a long-time user of Twitter who was interested in social technology. He also felt it fit his friend’s sense of humor, and the family agreed. And the funeral was already being live-streamed online.

There have been instances before of reporters texting and tweeting from funerals they’re covering. Is that worse than filming? Is tweeting different than taking notes by hand?

As you might imagine, the comments on Gigaom were passionate on both sides of the appropriateness of Ingram’s actions. “Disrespectful” and “Brilliant” were typical responses, and everything in between.

What do you think?

Is nothing sacred? Are we truly obsessed with sharing online?

Or is Twitter an opportunity for friends and family around the world to connect to the final tribute for someone they love?

 

 

Friend Grief in 140 Characters (2 of 2)

twitter.com

“Have you ever seen a funeral procession go past and felt the urge to shout abuse? Perhaps something mild such as ‘I’ve never heard of him!’ or ‘He was rubbish!’. No, me either.

In June, Shane Richmond, Head of (Editorial) Technology for The Telegraph, called for civility on Twitter when it comes to grieving.

 We may not hear about a close friend’s death on Twitter, but if we spend any time in the Twitterverse we’ll definitely see breaking news about the death of someone in the public eye: Amy Winehouse, Gore Vidal, Adam Yauch, Nora Ephron: we probably never met them, and may not have known their work. But the news went out on Twitter for the world to see.

I’m convinced something happens to people when they feel compelled to comment on the internet. Maybe it’s temporary insanity, maybe it’s an inflated sense of self-importance. Maybe they’re unable to think before they type.

But if you read the comments on a blog or Facebook page, or follow a hashtag on Twitter, sooner or later you’ll read something that makes you think “who are these people?”

Beyond simply disseminating the news, some people feel the need to weigh in on the death of a celebrity. That’s their right.

Often, though, the comments go beyond their own feelings about the person who died. For whatever reason, they’re not sorry that person died, and they feel compelled to criticize those who do.

As Richmond says, would you go to a funeral of someone you didn’t like and criticize the mourners for grieving? Sounds unnecessarily cruel, doesn’t it? More likely you’d simply keep your mouth shut or stay away completely.

People don’t do that online. They weigh in on things that have nothing to do with them, expressing opinions that serve no purpose except to hurt someone.

Maybe you’ve done it – with no malice intended. Maybe you’ve commented on a celebrity death in a less than respectful way. Maybe you made a joke, or what you considered a joke.

Well, you know what? Stop it. Imagine if that celebrity was your best friend, and you logged onto Twitter expecting to see tributes. But instead you found hundreds of “who cares if they’re dead?” tweets.

It takes on a different meaning now, doesn’t it?

Next time you’re tempted to type a snarky comment online…stop. And think before you tweet.

Friend Grief in 140 Characters

twitter.com

The Twitterverse doesn’t miss much: political gaffes, celebrity gossip, shameless self-promotion. There are writers who swear by the discipline needed to express themselves within the 140-character limit. You want breaking news – not tape-delayed, like our Olympics coverage? Log onto Twitter.

That said, is it the best place to grieve?

I’m not talking about the incredible hospice programs, writers, therapists and other professionals who tweet information about programs to help people work through their grief.

And I’m not talking about those who tweet death notices of famous people.

I’m talking about people who run to Twitter to express their grief.

Twitter is a community, though a virtual one, like this blog. And let’s face it: it’s often easier to express our feelings online than face to face. Some people aren’t ready to deal with the world, and that’s compounded by living in a society that values the ability to “move on” quickly.

But does grieving on Twitter help anyone?

The value of grieving online is something that is attracting the interest of those who work in the bereavement field.

Most believe that the internet has been very effective in creating and building communities that focus on a particular kind of grief, like this blog. It allows people to work through their grief among those who truly understand their experience.

What I consider an invaluable use of the internet – and Twitter is a big part of this – is the ability to spread the word quickly. Instead of being faced with making dozens of phone calls to family and friends, now we can send a blast email, or post on Facebook, or tweet the news.

And in doing so, we are comforted, too, because it’s so easy for others to reach out to us. Think 140 characters is too short to make a difference? Try this:

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I'll stop by after work to run errands for you and give you a break. <3

Actually, that’s 139 characters, but you get the idea. It doesn’t take a lot to show your support.

We’ll continue this on Thursday.

Grieving Online Friends

socialmedialedger.com

Last week I asked if friends we know only online are worth grieving. And I learned something very interesting. I already knew it was true for me, but as it turns out, it was true for a lot of people.

People may be in our lives for specific reasons: other moms in the play group, or the guys on the softball team, or the others suffering through a 7:45am algebra class. The friendships we make there may only last as long as those shared activities or interests. A few may endure.

Shared purpose draws us to people online as well. We gravitate to like-minded people, whether they agree with our political views, passion for baseball teams, or other common interests.

They fill a hole in our lives. They enrich us. We look forward to their posts and tweets. It only stands to reason that we’d mourn their loss, even if we’ve never met face to face.

But ultimately what I found most interesting was the desire of many people to meet their online friends. They’re connected, but they want to be more connected:

“When are you coming to London?”

“We’ll be in New York the same time!”

“We could meet at the conference.”

In the past year, I’ve met a number of people in person who I’d only known online. Like I said before, little things may have surprised me, but I’ve not been disappointed. If we think of our online friends as “pen pals”, then meeting them doesn’t seem odd at all.

I read an article about a man who lost track with one of his tweeps (Twitter friends), and found out later that he’d died. They’d been in touch for quite a while, but he only found out about the death from a mutual online friend.

He felt bad about two things: first, that he didn’t know the guy had been sick. He’d given no indication in his tweets that he was seriously ill.

Second was worse, actually: he didn’t know how to grieve. He couldn’t contact the man’s family: his Twitter account was deleted and he had no idea where he lived.

And he didn’t know how to explain his grief. How could you grieve for someone you’d never met? How do you explain you were friends with someone, when you didn’t even know what city they lived in?

To me, a friendship is a friendship. The connection you make with another human being is no less valid for making it online.

I read another article about a man who has set out to meet all his Facebook friends in person. I’ll be interested to hear how that works out: if he was disappointed, if meeting them strengthened their connection. 

Maybe we just all need to marvel about the advances in technology, the ones that allow us to establish a relationship – personal, not just business – with people on the other side of the world. In all likelihood they’re people you would’ve never been able to connect with otherwise. Of course you’ll miss them when they die. But you’ll be the richer for knowing them.