How to Help A Friend Who’s Dying

Since I saw Dallas Buyers Club (my review here) I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Although the main character, Ron Woodroof, is initially focused only on his own survival, eventually the people he helps – especially Rayon – become friends. He is literally helping them stay alive. And that got me thinking: what would I do?

Sometimes what we are called upon to do, what we are able to do, seems insignificant: running errands, chauffeuring to doctor’s appointments, cooking meals. All serve a dual purpose: taking the burden of the mundane off the shoulders of someone who needs to focus all their attention and energy on fighting their disease, and also to provide a tangible example of friendship.

Not everyone’s good at asking for help, and those who are dying may be less likely. They don’t want to see ‘the look’ that we often unwittingly wear on our faces: a mixture of sympathy and pain that they’d never seen before.

But those of us who are lucky, really lucky, are allowed in to what my friend Delle called “the cancer vortex”. It may not be cancer that is killing our friend, but you get the idea. Reality has changed for your friend and for you.

What, then, are you willing to do? I don’t mean “call me if you need anything”. You’ll grow old and grey before you get that call. I mean what are you willing to actually do for them? Depending on your proximity and available time, there are many things:

-          Set up a Caring Bridge page or Facebook group to keep other far-flung friends up-do-date on their progress.

-          Schedule regular trips to the grocery store. Take them with you if they’re able.

-          Make a date for lunch or brunch, depending on their energy and appetite.

-          Do something stupid together that will make you both laugh.

-          Ask old friends to contact them.

-          Make their favorite foods, especially if their appetite is waning.

-          Do their laundry, or clean for them.

-          Don’t whine. Do your best to keep their spirits up. This isn't about you.

-          Send cards, DVD’s, packages; burn a CD or Skype..

These are all tasks that most people are capable of accomplishing. But what if the situation is drastic? What if, like Ron Woodroof, their doctor gives then 30 days to live? What would you do then?

-          Would you go public for them?

-          Would you steal for them?

-          Would you break the law for them?

I’ve had this conversation with several friends in the past few years. So far, what we’ve pledged to do has been without concerns about legal ramifications (I mean, really: does it matter if the marijuana is officially medicinal?).

I hope one of the conversations that comes out of Dallas Buyers Club is just this: what would you do for a friend who’s dying? Would you let your own fears or prejudices or disapproval stop you from supporting them? Or would you do whatever you could (and hopefully get away with) to help prolong their life, improve the quality of their life, or help them die as peaceful a death as possible?

Because I guarantee if you don’t, you won’t just feel guilty.

You’ll wonder what your remaining friends would do for you.

Types of Grievers - Part 3

visualphotos.com

This type of griever is, I have to admit, more like me. It's hard for me to not multi-task, even when grieving. I bet you know someone like this.

Some people channel their grief into action: running errands, organizing, bringing food to the family.

Some people are very open with their feelings, talking and crying when they feel the need

Then there are people who do both.

I envy them.

Those are people who feel comfortable expressing their feelings, even if it’s uncomfortable to others. They cry in front of us, not because they expect us to make everything better, but because they need to cry. When they’re not crying – and sometimes even if they are – they keep busy. They organize the gathering after the funeral service, they make sure everyone at the wake signs the condolence book, they sign for flower deliveries.

They’re able to compartmentalize in a way, except both expressions – crying and doing – are positive actions that help them work through their grief.

Once all the services are over, and everyone has returned to their lives, not as much needs to be done. There is a hole, a lack of “things” to keep them busy. That’s the time – as anyone who has grieved can tell you – when the silence can be overwhelming.

So when you encounter one of these grievers, and marvel at their focus and ability to express themselves, step back. Let them do what they need to do.

Then pick up the phone a week or so later, to break that awful silence. And let them know you’re there for them.

Types of Grievers - Part 2

visualphotos.com

I'm old enough to remember when Jacqueline Kennedy was criticized for being "cold" at her husband's funeral. People thought she should've been more obviously emotional. Today we look at a type of grieving that our society has forced on men: instrumental.

Everyone grieves differently.

Often, people assume that someone who cries or talks about the person who has died is not handling their grief well. They are encouraged to stop crying, to not dwell on the past. But for that person, that’s how they express their grief.

Others are what may be defined as “instrumental” grievers.

Rather than express their grief by crying, they are more likely to intellectualize their grief.

They want to understand their grief, but they don’t want to talk about it.

They want to control their grief, so it doesn’t overwhelm them, or surprise them, or distract them.

They may also want to ‘do’ things. They may show up with food for the family, or run errands for them. They channel their grief into unemotional actions.

Just as emotional grievers are criticized, instrumental grievers also face disapproval. They may be considered cold or uncaring, because they don’t cry in public.

The ability to not cry doesn’t reflect a lack of caring. It’s just the way some people cope.

So if you see someone who has lost a close friend but acts as if they’re fine, don’t assume they’re in denial. Consider the possibility that they just grieve differently

And be kind.