D is for “Disenfranchised”

I’m on an A to Z blog challenge, and today is the 4^th day of the challenge. That explains the pithy title. ;)

I didn’t know when I decided to write my book that there was such a thing as “disenfranchised grief”, coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka of the College of New Rochelle, in 1989. In the 2002 revision of his Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow, Dr. Doka observes how the grief a friend experiences can be dismissed:

“Often there is no recognized role in which mourners can assert the right to mourn and thus receive such support.  Grief may have to remain private.  Though they may have experienced an intense loss, they may not be given time off from work, have the opportunity to verbalize the loss, or receive the expressions of sympathy and support characteristic in a death.”

Sometimes the disrespect is intentional, sometimes not. But you’ve probably experienced the following situation:

“The role of the friend or similarly close relationship may simply be ignored – unrecognized or unacknowledged.  Such persons may attend the funeral.  They may even be expected to be there out of respect for the deceased and in support of the family.  But they remain passive participants, their own need to mourn overlooked.”

So, if it makes you feel better, there is a reason your grief felt compounded by the lack of respect you experienced. Grieving a friend is not acknowledged in the same way as grieving a family member.

It’s up to all of us to let those around us know the importance of our friendships and the depth of our grief. Then and only then will grieving a friend receive the respect it deserves.

Types of Grievers

What kind of griever are you?

One of the hardest things for some people to understand is that everyone grieves in a different way.  Throwing yourself back into your “normal” routine may be perfect for some people, but the worst possible thing for others. 

I’m not even talking about gender.  The differences I’m talking about today are personality differences.  Of course, gender, ethnicity, even age may have an influence on these behaviors.  But that’s what they are:  responses to a situation. 

Personality and behavioral assessments are used in business every day: Enneagram, Meyers-Briggs, DISC.  In Dr. Kenneth Doka’s book, Disenfranchised Grief, he offers a description of different types of grievers.  You may see yourself and others in these descriptions:

1.      Intuitive:  Some might say an intuitive griever is typically a woman, and certainly in our society, a woman expressing her grief through crying is accepted.  But this griever can also experience other physical manifestations of their grief:  anxiety, confusion, inability to concentrate, physical exhaustion.

2.      Instrumental: Similarly, an instrumental griever may more likely be a man.  This is someone who is reluctant to talk about their feelings, and anxious to get back to “normal”.  They may also be the person who needs to “do” something: bring food over to the deceased’s family, organize a memorial service, or clean out a closet.

3.      Blended:  You may even be one of those grievers who possess qualities of both the intuitive and instrumental grieve.

4.      Dissonant:  This is a person in conflict: a man who wants to express his grief, but feels like society won’t allow that.  It could also be a woman who feels guilty for not crying a lot.  You don’t feel like those around you will allow you to grieve the way that makes the most sense to you.

I’m not trying to perpetuate stereotypes. 

But I wanted to point out these differences because often those who mourn friends are criticized for grieving.  The people around them don’t understand the depth of the pain they feel, because the person who died is “just” a friend.

Recognize that everyone grieves differently. 

And let them.