Live for the Moment |
What Dr. Creighton found was that even in the broad
category of “accidental” deaths, there was a wide range of circumstances as
well as responses.
The community responds differently to accidental
deaths “on the mountain” (skiing or snowboarding) than to those off the
mountain. The latter, at least in these examples, tended to be drug or alcohol-related.
So, a young man could mourn his friend who died in
an avalanche and be proud of him. But if he died of hypothermia, passed out in
a snowdrift after leaving a bar…well, that evokes a very different type of
grief.
Some of the men in the study were addressing their
grief for the first time. A few had already been lucky enough to reach out and
accept support from those around them.
But as I found in my own research, it’s not just
that men tend to be instrumental grievers: focusing on “doing” something rather
than talking about it. That’s the stereotype because most men are not
encouraged to talk about their grief. So this was a unique opportunity that
they embraced.
Matt Gore, whose friend died in that snowdrift, used
the study as a chance to give back, to help others dealing with the same type
of grief. That friend’s death made him quit drinking and try to help others
avoid the same fate as his friend.
A separate group of young men – who did not
participate in the exhibit – lost friends long ago. Long-term, they handled it
in different ways. Some saw that death as a wake-up call to focus and
appreciate their own lives, friends and relationships. Others seemed
permanently stuck, unable to “grow up” past the time when their friend died.
Creighton’s study points out the need for informal
grief support services for young men. One of her most fascinating suggestions
is for health care providers to train coaches, instructors, bar and restaurant
managers to recognize and counsel those who are grieving.
Granted, her subjects live in a ski resort town, the
type of community that does not like to discuss anything as negative as a young
man’s death – particular if it’s related to their major industry.
But I think the idea of training those in closest
contact to these young men is one worth discussing in a larger forum.
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